calm after the storm

you would think i'm craving for words... to write and scribble and shout at the big blog space that's been empty for a long time... Well, You're Definitely RIGHT! 

i'm all out screaming inside my head just to breathe and let out all thoughts and emotions bundled up in my heart and mind. yes, i really did breathe out a deep sigh of releif. i can finally let it all out! after a year of ups and downs, the roller coaster ride of my career and our life plan... now we begin with another chapter in our lives! a real tear-jerker of a move that we hope could bring us to our final destination called Home.

from the past week, dadi and i have gathered our strengths and let our mananger in to the secret. yes, we are leaving SG for good. and, i have formally filed for my resignation. it brought me into meditation and much thought...  literally, i had been caught in a daze, lost in my own thoughts, wondering what could happen next.

i hope i could document here our baby steps to our exodus. right now, we have accomplished sending back most of our things back to PH. we have contacted IOM for our migration details. we have exchanged information from friends across the land. we have touched based with the possible school for the boys. our fundings is still an ongoing thing but we believe that He always provides.

=)

baffled and amazed

i don't wanna miss a thing... so i'm blogging them away right now before i get amnesia or Alzheimer's :D

nixon has started asking about the opposite sex. i'm glad that he's honest and open about liking a girl in his class. and he's very independent with his homeworks and projects. he likes to do experiments at home. our usual conversations during mealtime is about his fascination on living things and electric circuits. he tries different things that he feels he might be good at. currently, he's into basketball and is playing for the school varsity. he was also recruited to join the school choir and he's learning to play the recorder. he searched the song pieces in youtube and practices. check out his youtube video: http://youtu.be/PGmFdpiwa_0

noah on the otherhand has a lot of questions and stories to tell. he usually speaks and converses like an adult. we went to a pet shop the other day, and he immediately chose 'his pet' and stayed with the dog most of the time.

noah: mummy, why is he color red? is he jealous? *pointing to hulk*

on our dinner the other night, we were caught by surprise on the kind of conversation they wanted to delve in: so how did you two actually meet? did you work together before? did mummy like you first *pointing to dadi*? or did you like mummy first? 

yet another overheard conversation:

a while ago, i couldn't help but to take a video of them together... a priceless moment when the younger one helped the big one to finish his homework so they can play: http://youtu.be/sHKGCsqPEgc =)

20130914, evening:

noah: so mummy, i hate to tell you this but i think i'm not yet sleepy

trying to buy yourself out of sleeping early are you? hahahaha

like every ordinary day

today's activities and accomplishments:

1. had my craving for hotdog bun with pickles, catsup, cheese and mustard fulfilled *of course with a cuppa*

2. played basketball with the boys this morning

3. and in turn fulfilled my neuro's recommendation of getting some exercise

4. booked our bintan trip this june *yay!* pending ferry tickets

5. finished one chapter of outliers by malcolm gladwell and read my cosmo mag nov2012 issue

6. finally de-cluttered old clothes, shoes, bags & stuff to send back to PH and some to pack for future luggages

7. watched hotel transylvania with the boys

8. watched warm bodies with dadi *wondering why the girl kinda looks like bella* but sweet & light movie to cap off the night

:)

on teaching

There is no teaching until the pupil is brought into the same state or principle in which you are; a transfusion takes place; he is you, and you are he; then is a teaching; and by no unfriendly chance or bad company can he ever lose the benefit.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882), U.S. essayist, poet, philosopher. “Spiritual Laws,” Essays, First Series (1841, repr. 1845).

what's the use of teaching someone who is already learned?

untitled

it creeps me out that for the past 3 days, i've been waking up at exactly 8:06am.. that is according to my iphone. for pete's sake, it was a weekend and i couldn't even make it to 9am!

what's more creepy was my bathroom incident this morning. everybody has gone to school and office except me and my nanny. i hurried inside the toilet and did my business. upon opening the door, it was kinda stuck so i pulled a bit harder. lo. and behold, it was tied from the outside!!! i felt my whole body frozen and scared as sh*t!

you see, we always tie it outside coz of the wind. it usually opens up when nobody's inside. so there's no way i could've done it from the inside. i hurriedly went to the kitchen and ask our nanny if she came in and she said no.

ok fine. it's the first time that the house made itself felt.

the picture below shows how it was tied from the outside so that it wouldn't open when unoccupied.

when they start pulling away

they start giving mixed signals. one moment, they'd want you to sit and eat with them during meal times. or they'd ask you to read them bed time stories and put them to sleep. the next thing you know, they are pulling away...

they would tell you, "mum, its ok, i can do it myself". they could button their own shirt, tie their own shoelaces, make their own milk, brush their teeth, bathe themselves, choose what they want to wear.

when you tell them, "i love you my little baby!", you will get an answer, "i'm not so little and not a baby anymore.".

and they would start distancing themselves when you walk around the mall. they could mingle and make friends on their own during parties and gatherings. i have mixed feelings... i am proud that they are confident and independent. but somehow sad and scared that they can be on their own and that sooner, i wouldn't really matter much.

i'm taking all the best i can right now: all the hugs, kisses, holding hands, embraces, home works together. hopeful that it wouldn't end too soon.

way of lent: free yourself

it was the worst turning point in my life... and you left me.

i forgive you.

half awake, half asleep

i usually hate myself the following night when i'm in the middle of REM of sleeping... my mind usually goes on a roll and starts blogging! so the hate happens coz i would forget what i was writing in my head. i would usually convince myself that i would remember to jot it down the next day. but NO! so now i'm making myself write before really going to sleep. blame it on the anesthesia.

maybe that's why i have vivid dreams... lots of thoughts running around uncomposed.

64

...and to add insult to injury... upon arriving home last night and kissing my noah good night, he sleep talked and said, "i told you it should be 64!"

bummer hehehe it's haunting me!

struggle between choices

the only right word i could think of right now is 'depressing'. i don't understand why... why...

anyway, the go-to relief is food. first thought that came to mind is mcdonald's cheeseburger meal with fries and soda, upsize!

upon alighting at the mrt station, i turned to my right exit to avoid seeing it and as if a way of saying, "eat me, instead", mr. bean is still open! so i got myself a serving of bean curd with pearls. and to cap it all off, a developer of ours sent over some sweets from india. sort of like a merengue i suppose.

i would love to think of myself as a person who has reached a next level of positive high. i did not succumb to what my body wants, but what it needs. hopefully, i could keep up with my food EQ.

i don't wanna miss a thing

today's fascinating Q&A's and touching gestures by the little ones...

noah: mummy, why do boys have to have two balls to marry a woman?
me: baby let's just talk about that next time

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noah: wake up mummy! breakfast time!
me: what's for breakfast?
noah: pancakes! but there's only two pieces left.. oh i know! i'll cut mine in half so we could share ok?

aaaaawwwwwwwww!

nixon also came in and said good morning and i love you to me. he got a bit of spanking and scolding last night for breaking a lamp, and yet the love and affection is still there. how fascinating that he has gone way past my anger and still feel the love for me without grudges.

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inside the mrt, i handed over the kindle to nixon, and he started reading 'charlie and the chocolate factory'. i handed the ipad to the little one and opened 'winnie the pooh' in ibooks. first thing he did? turned to the last page to check out how many pages and blurted out with an impatient voice, "139 pages??!".

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noah was holding his arms around me while standing up inside the bus. i had to hold onto the pole for support. upon turning to a sharp curve, he suddenly said, "mummy i got you.. you're safe with me."

i love my boys... i wouldn't be afraid to get old =)

riser

she was sitting on a sofa across me in a living room or an office reception area... i couldn't really tell. there was somber & melancholy emanating from her. i asked her how she's doing. her lips trembled as she replied, "i'm fine.. i suppose." she told me she's working somewhere in outram park mrt station, near the riser building. she was wearing long sleeves office jacket and skirt, all in black.

when i woke up, i had the sudden urge to call her and say hello.

home stretch

today has been a series of queues and lines and test of patience.

i was asked to come in early to get a series of tests and consultations. at one point, there was a one-hour waiting time for a lab queue. and that after getting the results, the doctor was already out for lunch. bummer.

and so i decided to join the lunch hour break queue. then another set of queues for three different banks/remittance centers.

upon return to the specialist, alas! the procedure required for a test that would entail eight weeks to process! double bummer! :(

reminded myself: this is just another test of a series of more of life's challenges. i should keep looking forward, positive and encourage to better our days while waiting. we're almost at the end of the line. it's been almost a year now come march 4... how much hurt can eight more weeks do?

:)

mixed up tape

before i forget the details, here goes what transpired in my dreams last night.

dadi and i were walking along the beach, then suddenly there was a mini tsunami that washed us ashore! i was crying out loud for dadi's name then i found him but couldn't see me. apparently he got temporary deafness so i had to come over him. we moved out and went inside our hotel somewhere far away from the beach. i remember seeing the sky gray.

then the scene shifted. i was in this huge vintage hotel and was about to bathe on one of the bathrooms in the 2nd floor to the right of the staircase. i left my things and went back down to get something. when i came back, the bathroom was gone! i had to search the rooms manned by butlers in uniform and they just looked at me on my bathrobe. i remember walking the corridors to the left and climbing up huge staircases. i think that bathroom was forever lost in my dream.

the next scene consisted of people i didn't know, in a land i don't even recognize. i was on top of this balancing seesaw kind of thing. it's made of wooden ladder on top of a wooden triangle underneath. i was perched flat on top and was afraid to move for if i shift, the whole thing will turn around and i don't like that coz i get very dizzy. i don't know how i got down coz the next thing i saw were 2 women and a man in front of me asking for their pictures to be taken. they were a caucasian lot. the other girl was the ex-girl of the man and the camera was with her. she wouldn't hand it over because she hates the new girl that her man is seeing now. but the man insisted that the ex-girl hand the camera over to me so i could take their picture. it ended up me taking the picture of all three sitting together with the man in the middle.

quotable quote

*title borrowed from one of jo-an's collection of phrases*

he turned his head towards me and suddenly blurted out, "you're a CATCH..."
and then he smiled... couldn't help the tears from rolling.

good night :)

the little one dreams

noah usually comes to our bed every time he wakes up in the morning and shares his night dreams.

just the other day, he told us that he dreamt that he was with tita juvs (our nanny) going to the market. at the meat shop, the owner told him that he was fat!!! haha it really bothered him while he was telling the tale. he believes his tummy is getting smaller so he is not fat anymore. :)

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the little one celebrated his birthday last february 10 with a CNY theme... he's turning 7 this friday. oh how time flies! i wished for time to slow down just a little bit for you to remain my little tabachingching... we love you bebeng dear!

*photo grabbed from mrsjanxazarcon via instagram*

a new toyfriend :)

writing this post via the new toyfriend... loving it! now i can write my thoughts anytime without delay and having to jot down in a notepad.

new leaf

well hello there! i have ignored my little space for almost a year! no excuses, no explanations. let's just continue where we left off...

had another dream and its bordering between wild and scary... we were on a rescue helicopter going back to the evacuation center. i remember being on the chopper standing up and looking out the window. then there was a sudden jolt, and seconds later, the engines stopped! we started falling!!! it felt so real, like riding an elevator that's out of control! the last thought i remembered before it crashed was praying for my 2 boys :( my exact words were, "Kayo na po bahala sa mga anak ko" (please take care of my children).

i have yet to find out the meaning of this dream.

QT conversation with my 10year old

the 10minutes quality time i have with my boys is the best time of all my days... it's the time when we put them to bed at night. we usually have a chit chat before they go to sleep.

tonight was kinda special. my conversation with nixon is growing up.

me: good night baby... why are you so big and tall? please don't grow up so fast!

nixon: i will try *smiling*. and you know, you're different from other of my friends' moms.

me: really? how come?

nixon: well they tell them that they are big enough to own stuff

*i'm guessing this is about getting his own gadgets*

me: baby, i trust you. but i don't trust the people around you. there are bad people out there who would want to hurt you just to get your fone or playstation. we don't want to put you in that situation. and besides that, when you have more stuff, your life will be more complicated. grown-ups have that huge problem

nixon: yes like house, car, children, work, bills, debts, groceries, computers, iphone

me: yes you're right son! so why don't you enjoy life as it is right now, simple and easy. the less you have, the less your worries. just mind about your school, friends, books, tv shows, and boardgames

nixon: ok mummy... good night!