rekindling family

my manila vacation was not planned. i'm not sure if i should really thank the recent ondoy for giving us an excuse to go back home. but anyway, all i can say is, its awesome. i never felt like i was the child again, the daughter again, the sister again, the friend again.

i thought it would be a very busy vacation... scavenger hunting for stuffs to go in to our new home. but fortunately, things were pretty much settled on the 2nd day. we bought sala set & dining set, cooking ware and some groceries. giving is really a very rewarding experience especially to your family. i was happy to see my mom glowing while looking at her new orange & black sala set. and i gave in to my father's request, a tv/radio rack that he really liked which was perfect for our mini sala. i was touched seeing them put things together and excited to make the house cozy and warm. my bro and sisses were so thrilled for the stuffs we got them. yeah, it's really been a long time since i've been with my parents and siblings.

bonding with long time friends was the best. i've never been so happy being with real people and friends who truly care and were genuinely happy to see and hear from you. who, after all these years, remained in touch. jeng & peachie, made me feel young again, like back when we were in highschool and giggle a lot. seeing peter, bien & allan was also invigorating. i've missed these people.

after being in sg for 5years, i suddenly missed being around my family everyday. i know sometimes its unbearable, but its also assuring to be with the real people who love and care about you. its being around people who you can really talk to, that's what i truly missed. i don't know, maybe i just got tired being the adult, that i missed being the child.

i'm very thankful i got this break. and i was definitely happy seeing the smiles on my kids' faces when they saw me back home. =)

fail forward

i would like to re-post this email sent to me... its a constant reminder that i shouldn't hate myself for making bad decisions and being with d wrongs. thanks ice! :)

_________________________________

When You Fail, Fail Forward (by John Maxwell)

Then he began to curse and swear, saying, "I do not know the Man!" Immediately a rooster crowed. And Peter remembered the word of Jesus who had said to him, "Before the rooster crows, you will deny Me three times." So he went out and wept bitterly. Matthew 26:74-75

Everybody fails, errs, and makes mistakes. You've heard the saying "To err is human, to forgive, divine." Alexander Pope wrote that over 250 years ago. And he was only paraphrasing an ancient saying that was common during the time of the Romans. Recently I came across something called "Rules for Being Human." I think several of these describe well the state we're in:

Rule #1: You will learn lessons.
Rule #2: There are no mistakes - only lessons.
Rule #3: A lesson is repeated until it is learned.
Rule #4: If you don't learn the easy lessons, they get harder.
Rule #5: You'll know you've learned a lesson when your actions change.

You see, writer Norman Cousins was right when he said, "The essence of man is imperfection." Failure is simply a price we pay to achieve success. If we learn to embrace that new definition of failure, then we are free to start moving ahead - and failing forward.

ber months are back!

...and oh, i just remembered... today, the countdown officially starts! yiippee!!! 115days til christmas!!! love love love the holiday season.

♫ its beginning to look a lot like christmas.. everywhere you go *except sg LOL* ♫

getting the hang of it

there would be times when i miss most things... of how fun it used to be and how everyone is so connected. but nowadays, due to work schedule and family bonding related matters, we're getting used to the idea of being with the boys most of the times.

right now, there are so many things happening around our family that keeps us busy. nixon is making so much progress in school, although we still keep watch on his english going towards singlish. he's making new friends and is now having crushes *blush blush si kuya*. noah on the other hand is so tabachingching hahaha! the thought of going home to hug him is enough to send me flying out of the office haha! when i do get home, i'm rewarded with hugs and kisses and a very heartwarming, "mommy i miss you so much"-greeting. dadi also makes effort these days to come home early and go out with the kids every weekends.

i found my sanctuary... i'm so blessed to have them in my life.

to him

its raining so hard outside... blessings are pouring on your special day. we pray to god that you may have more love to give and more life to share. may you have the strength and courage to be the best that you can be. may all your dreams come true.

happy birthday daddy nino!!! from all of us, who loves you so dearly.

a reminder

i received a message from facebook, from 'God wants you to know' application. the message goes...

On this day of your life, Aslee, we believe God wants you to know...
... that happiness has nothing to do with pleasure.

You feel pleasure when you want something and you get it. Or when you don't want something and you remove it. Pleasure is always relative. Happiness is absolute. Happiness is the understanding and acceptance of life as it is in this very moment as completely perfect, because every creation of God is perfect. The degree to which you do not accept life in all of the Divine forms is the degree to which you suffer.


the part, 'Happiness is absolute. Happiness is the understanding and acceptance of life as it is in this very moment as completely perfect, because every creation of God is perfect.' struck me the most. i guess that after feeling so exhausted and unhappy with my current work, i succomb to worldly things like pretty jewelries, fancy food, etc. and this reminder made me stop and realize that i should focus on the positives and blessings coming in right now. maybe i'm beginning to lose faith on that belief that everything will get better in time.

i should learn to manage my time and energy so i can reserve some for bonding moments with my kids. and i don't really need to tire myself of endless issues that have no significance in our lives right now. so, now i'm blogging again hehe! :D

little big ones

on a regular saturday lunch together at home, here's one funny conversation we had with the kids.

dadi : so nixon, what do you want to be when you grow up?

nixon : i want to be a... starts with the letter 'A' *here we go again with the famous guessing game*

dadi : astronaut?

mami : aeronaut?

nixon : followed by letter 'R'

dadi : argonaut?

nixon : no! an Artist!

*dadi and i exchanged glances with a smirk(?) on the face*

dadi : why do you want to be an artist?

nixon : so i can have my own collection to sell for the kids.

i think what he meant to say is, he's going to have a fundraiser for the kids by selling his collections. he got it from watching higglytown heroes, and the guilty character is yubi.

dadi : how about you noah, what do you want to be when you grow up?

noah : i want to be a daddy! *ayun, i think i'm gonna faint!*

dadi : *grins* why?

noah : because i want to be like you daddy!

OMG!!! na-speakless ako! Alert alert!!!

shapes

the thought has never occurred to me... that this moment, this instance will happen in my life. an instance when i have to make a decision to stop the line. i'm not ready, i'm not sure what will happen, i don't know if i'll ever be brave enough to mean it, to make it happen. but i have to...

it came to a point that drawing the line to fulfill the circle will have to come to an end. when it has arrived at a corner where continuing the line is painful already and creates agony, the only thing to do is cut it.

maybe its time to draw another line, in a separate sheet... in a pleasant stationary, where new circles can be drawn again. new and colorful ones that will erase entirely the hurt and regrets.

hugging the rock

*this book was given to me by dadi rak... he was very fond of it. he was all smiles when he handed it over to me. these are the lines from the 1st page...*

No Room
When my mom decides to run away from home
she packs up her car
with all the things that matter most
to her.

Her guitar
and some books
all her CDs
her clothes
her shoes
Grandma's music box from the fireplace mantle
and the quilt from the bed she shares with Dad.

She jams plastic grocery bags
filled with soap and shampoo
between the small spaces
left in between things
and tied a couple of suitcases to the roof.
At the last minute she
throws in a few dishes
some towels
and a potted red geranium
that guards the front porch.

Dad tells her not to pack stuffs too high
so she can still see out the back window
but she ignores him
and shoves her pillow
between her guitar case and portable TV.

By the time she's done
there's no room left for anything else.
No room left for Dad.

And no room left for me.

kid's humor

last saturday, we were on our way to mareng hani's baby shower. then we saw nixon and noah's friends in the playground.

noah: mami, who's that? *pointing to a thin girl w/ protruding teeth and ponytails*
me: your friend! *pardon me, i don't know their names*
noah: no mami! its chicken little!

then i looked back at the little girl... it made me think, then i suddenly realize why.

he was referring to abby mallard.. nyahahah! my son is a bully at 3, tsk tsk! *alert alert!*

noah is growing too fast physically, right now he's weighing 23kg! he won't fit into the regular XL, XXL diapers (12-18kg)... so we were left with no option, we got the XXXL (18-25kg). imagine, 14pieces costing 21SGD! omgulay! hay we were thinking of getting him adult diapers instead, what do u think? :D

on another note, i'm admiring nixon's development lately. i know we haven't been around much lately becoz dadi and i are swamped with work. but nixon was able to handle his holiday homeworks on his own. he's now into reading books like oliver twist, gulliver's travel and peter pan. i hired him a tutor for his mandarin, so he can have someone to converse with in a regular basis. he's enjoying it, and he can understand his tutor even when she's communicating with him in pure mandarin. he also refers to the chinese-english dictionary on his own. one night i sat with him to teach him how to search for the words that he's looking for, and he was very interested. the following day, i saw him doing his assignment using it.

toughing the toughs

there will really be times that you will encounter a boss/superior that would persistently annoy you or compete with you. its just sad that while you want to give him/her as much respect as you want, it just wouldn't suffice because he/she makes you feel incompetent and a moron. sometimes you want to give him/her the benefit of the doubt, but more often, he competes with you and goes on power trips. sometimes he/she just wouldn't take responsibility and throws you in with the sharks. i just don't understand why bosses wouldn't talk to other bosses (yours versus your user or client).

sigh... anyway, need to go back to work.

farewell, lei

*from left to right: bernice, lei, adel, me and dini*

i realized that i don't post entries with pictures lately, so i was contemplating on which story i could post... i never thought and expected that this would be it...

she was lei to others, lani to some, lakambini to all of us. leilani zabella never fails to make us smile with her simple quirks and her happy disposition is infectious.

she was tall, morena, has long shiny hair and a bright smile. she belonged to another section, but we instantly clicked when we first met as freshmen from siena qc. she's so down to earth... even if she belongs to the upper class, she won't mind having an average person as a friend. our birthdays are 2 days apart, it usually falls on our school fair during which we would pay the announcement booth to greet each other on air.

after high school, we drifted apart... i never heard much from her until we were graduating in college. thanks to friendster, we got connected once again. and from there, we got back to our yearly tradition of greeting each other on our birthdays. and when we got a chance last september to see each other in LA, we were both thrilled. we joined the other girls for dinner and were able to catch up.

today, my friend hya informed me that lei is gone... it didn't sink in because i was busy at work. during lunch time i went back to our photos in multiply. and i can't help but feel the loss so deep in my heart. she has so many dreams, she has so many things to accomplish, she has yet to get wed. she was 30years old... i love you lei. you will definitely be missed.

*life is so short... shorter for others. that's why we should cherish life and love. we should try our hardest to express our love towards people who matter in our lives.*

i have conquered

last night i was sleepless. i'm both excited and agitated. it's the first time i'm joining a marathon, and dadi was suppose to join me. but becoz he has to work, i would have to be strong on my own.

this morning at 7:20am, i joined the 10km singapore passion run (competitive). i felt sad being alone amidst all those who were anticipating the start of the race. when the horn sounded, everyone started running... i went from brisk walking to jogging on my own pace. i told myself that i won't be pressured by those people passing by. as isa put it, just chill.. don't rush, no pressure, enjoy it.

by 4km, i was beginning to feel exhausted and i was blaming dadi for convincing me to signup for the 10km, when i could've been going back already if i had registered to the 5km. there was a fork ahead, and i was thinking if i should go back and quit or if i should push myself to try some more. the latter won. after reaching 7km, i checked my timer and found out that i have been jogging *and walking* for 1hour and 7minutes already. the blazing sun made me jog and walk faster.

at 8km, i started to get worried. i thought i may have missed the path where i'm supposed to go round back. and then i saw the mark and felt relieved. finally, i will be on the other side of the road, the path to the finish line.. hoooraayy!!! i was aiming for 2hours to finish the whole stretch... i did it in 1hour and 48minutes. :)

spontaneous thoughts

i'm writing this blog entry while plotting our menu for the week and listing down my grocery list while telling nixon to finish his lunch, while asking noah to sit still and watch tv and stop throwing things to his brother. o diba multitasking haha!

creating a 'diverse' menu for the week is a real challenge for me. it always has to have at least 2-3 kinds of veggie dishes and 2 varieties of soup dishes. fish once a week is also a must have. this requirement is for the kids. they enjoy veggies and fishes more than pork or beef. its because of the 'chewable properties' of veggies over meat. except for the case of adobo which is their favorite that i happily indulge them with chicken and pork. our dear noahby loves chicken a lot. however, chicken is to be avoided in a day that dadi will eat in or bring his baon to work. we both abstain from chicken because we get allergies.

so now i should get back to my grocery list and multitask again afterwards (ie. pay bills, go over nixon's homework, put noah to nap, blog *hihi*). the joys and pains of motherhood. don't get me wrong, i'm not complaining.. in fact, i'm enjoying myself a lot.

breather

i'm so relieved to be informed that my irritating pm is on leave from today until thursday then i'm on leave on friday for nixon's parent-teacher meeting. whew! it's like having a room for one week to breathe! yiippppeeee!!!

i'm so looking forward also to another 'toy'... hopefully, we can be united by end of this month :D

happy face

it feels so nice to be able to wake up early again, like the normal average working person does almost 5days a week. and yesterday morning (saturday 9am), i was able to walk in the nearby mcdonalds and buy myself a big breakfast with rak *yiippeee!!!*. it's been a while since i last had that sausage mcmuffin with egg and coffee. :)

today, rak and i watched star trek. beam me up scottie! it was awesome! no dull moments, even if i'm not really a follower. great acting sylar *haha!*.

scripted

this is my first vent for my current workload.

my team mate is on sick leave, an IR was raised this morning. i tried to know what happened, and realized it was my team mate's load. i asked for assistance from my pm, he blurted out all nonsense saying why you don't know this, the change is so simple blah blah blah. i told him, i'm not aware of the issue's history, i don't have the specs. i can't access lotus notes as i don't have my login id yet. so he told me what to do, and i did and he forwarded the email addresses of people to cc. so i did.

he then commented that i shouldn't write this way and that in the resolution/root cause part. he told me to apologize and he composed a sentence to write down instead. then the changes he asked me to do in the program was incomplete, we received another email. he asked me to apologize again for putting in the incorrect version.

wtf!? why can't he just take over the issue and answer those emails? how can i reply correctly and how can i defend myself when i don't even know the story. this pm of mine is trying to discredit my knowledge and likes to pass responsibilities when he should be the one in charge. *wwwuuuuuusssssaaaaaaaaaahhhh!*

pronounciation

tagalog version muna tong blog ko para iwas gulo. mabuti ng nasa safe mode muna ang usaping ito.

lagi kong tinitingnan ang homework ni nixon pagkauwi ko sa bahay pagtapos ng opisina. inaalam ko kung tama mga sagot, at tinitingnan ko rin ang mga result ng quiz nya kung meron man. kanina pinapirmahan nya sa kin ang spelling notebook nya. eto ang pangungusap na nakasulat: The people wear afraid of the scary monster. (minsan sentence ang spelling nila, binibigkas ng guro ang pangungusap tapos isusulat nila.)

tinanong ko si nixon bakit ganun spelling nya samantalang alam naman nya na ang dapat na isinulat nya ay 'were' imbes na 'wear'. tinanong ko sya kung alam nya ibig sabihin ng 'wear', oo daw, pagsuot ng damit. sabi ko, o eh bakit eto sinulat mo eh alam mo naman di bagay dun sa pangungusap? ang sagot nya sa akin, mommy ang pagkakabigkas nya ay wear, hinde were kya un ang sinulat ko. paliwanag ko, anak, iba kasi magbigkas ng english ang mga tao dito kaya wag mo susundin palagi. alam mo naman ung tama, kaya un ang sundin mo. ang follow-up question nya, edi hinde pala laging tama ang mga guro?

haysusmaryosep! kasi naman, kakaiba magpronounce ng english mga tao dito. pano nga ba?

yesterday's mini conversation

her: if i have stayed, we could all be there by now.

him: yeah, your right. lets try to do it again, this time i promise, no more stunts.

her: yeah right. as if you could make me believe you at this point in time. you have to earn it back.

him: i'm sorry.

mixed nuts

righting a mistake, makes the i'm sorry a redemption.

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losing it, gaining it.. lost it for another... i hope it's all worth it for you.

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torn. the good... internet is up. facebook, gmail and yahoo mail can be accessed *yay!*. the bad... work from home, prod support, 24/7, chengdu china team members *ulk!*.

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wolverine... star trek... angels and demons... revolutionary road... oh man! this is so tough to have for a marathon. *crosses fingers and toes*

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oh! i almost forgot, it's mothers day this coming sunday. Happy mom's day to all you mothers out there! love u mader dear! :)

unfamiliar grounds

i'm accustomed to taking risks and facing difficulties and fears. i have this strong conviction of myself, that whatever decision i make, i will be responsible for the consequences. during my grade school days, i had a big crush on this high school guy. one day i just decided to tell him that i like him and i admire his volleyball skills. that day, i knew that i'm that kind of person who would not just keep quiet and wait for things to unfold on its own. before i graduated high school, i had the audacity to tell my history teacher that i like him a lot. when i was a freshman in college, i greatly admired my trigonometry professor. i gave him a parker pen.. i had a feeling he knew my reasons. and when i was already working, i was bold enough to tell my then-best-friend-now-husband, that i was in love with him.

gone were the days when i would sit still and shy away from arguments and confrontations... i was always ready to give my opinions, sometimes, even without tact. not until recently, when a very traumatic experience made a head-on collision with my life, our lives. my whole being was itching to confront the devil and let all my grief, anger and pain burst out. but for the first time, i kept my distance and didn't bother to get any answers or to explain myself. i just stopped and burried myself in my cave. i focused all my energy on my kids and to reading. it became my zen.

it was tough, almost all the time i would cry. i felt so alone, but i was very thankful to those who would drop a message or two asking how my day was and how i am coping. my family oftentimes call and text me encouraging words. some came to visit, and i'm thankful to be blessed with friendly souls. it was a surprise to know that those who you don't often see were the first ones to sympathize. again, i'm forever grateful. :)

nothing much, really

one's patience is really tested to its fullest by your growing children and ageing parents. if you muster the art of diplomatic conversation, then i salute you. =)

on another note, i'm glad and happy to say that i'm back on track. side trips were inevitable, you just have to know how to go around the obstacles. i just want to let my detractors know that you will never break me because i keep my faith intact and i'm focused to fight for my kids' happiness, whatever it takes. you haven't seen the real me, i have dealt with you in a subtle manner. if i were such a b*tch, you would've hidden your face in shame. i could've done worse, but my delikadesa and good manners kept me in the distance. i'm a mother and wife, it's my duty and place to protect my family. stop with your nonsense reasoning, you're in the wrong.

i'm now ready to break the silence. i'm no longer afraid to hold back my feelings or thoughts. i have surpassed my darkest hour, and i'm ready.. because i have braved the odds and i will never back down. there's always a blessing in disguise hiding somewhere after the storm. you just have to tough it out. *wink.. prang showbiz hehehe*

funnies by the boys

last week, my nanny told me that nixon has a crush on a girl that he usually sees at the playground. her name is yenli *i'm not sure how to spell her name*. tita juvs *my nanny* even told me that they have this song to tease nixon... it goes like this, "my heart goes shalalalala, bog bog bog!". i guess most of you know this song. even noah would sing this to nixon whenever yenli is around and would put his two hands on his chest and impersonate a heart pumping action together with the song followed by a big laugh! makapang-asar lang kay kuya hahaha!

then tita juvs saw this pencil case with crayons in nixon's schoolbag that doesn't look like his. she asked him whose pencil case was it, and nixon answered its sabrina's *and then he blushed and made a timid smile*. tita juvs teased him who sabrina was and nixon said he likes her.

i confronted my son *panic mode na si mommy*..

me: nixon, who is yenli and sabrina?? do you like them??

nixon: no mommy! i'm not allowed to have a girlfriend because i'm not yet 21!

*and there i was, trying to phrase my question lightly so as not to make an impression and i was dumbfounded by his adult-like answer!*


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on another note about noah... we went to mcdonalds to buy some happy meal for the boys. when we got home, noah started feasting on the french fries and requested for catsup. we squeezed some on a small plate. after finishing the fries, there was still some catsup left. he put the plate down on the floor and dipped his face on it and started licking the catsup! then he said, "meow!!!". AYOS!!! we were laughing so hard hahaha!

the -days

yesterday... he asked me to join him for dinner.

today... while in giant grocery(vivo city) with the kids, he searched for my favorite coconut biscuits which is hard to find here in sg. he got me two packs of the biscuit.

i'm sincerely touched.

facebook <-- feedbacks please

i'm contemplating on having a facebook account. i received 5 invites already, and i'm not yet sure if i'm ready to be 'socially connected'. since i don't have any more friendster account, maybe part of moving on is upgrading your 'stuffs'. i'm still keeping my multiply and blogspot account, though.

ok ba ang facebook compared to friendster? some people told me that security is an issue with facebook. friendster naman, 10years before loading the page.

touching valentine letter from kobe

valentine's day hasn't been a very 'celebrated' event in our family. we just normally greet each other and get on with our everyday lives. my sister berna told me the other day that our little sister, kobe, made a valentine's card for our family. she placed it on the ref door back home. berna sent me the message via chat. here was the message:

to my beloved family
mama papa kuya jason ate grace hapi valentines day noah and nixon

thanks jesus for valentines day

dear family, i love you all bcoz wen i was a kid you care for me even mama even i lie i will still love you and papa you done to so much

kuya even you always tease me i will love you in my heart ate berna thank you for teaching me all

ate grace you always make me happy all the time
*this next line is for me...*
achie you gave me nephews and that was the greatest gift to me nixon and noah
*awwww! i'm so touched!*

thank you all from your beloved child kobe

btw, she's only 8years old, turning 9 this year. =)

dialogues

aslee: don't worry, i'm getting there

obie: *sigh of relief* i'm there

grace: *puzzled* never there!

nyahahaha!

no title

the best thing upon hitting 30 is you stop ageing. that's right, you just stop counting and age is just a number.

i was off the radar for a while *i know... deleting my friendster account that i kept for 5years is kinda huge in terms of being off the radar.* i just had the notion of keeping to myself and thinking about stuffs. its not that i wanna lose contact with my friends, in fact i was keeping an inventory haha! maybe that's the paranoia you get when betrayal sets foot. enough said on the negatives... i'm pretty happy right now and in the process of moving on. i'm pretty sure though that i don't wanna care about those people who made my life difficult for the past errr 3months or so.

anyway, i just wanna thank those people who kept wishing me well and were supportive of me and my kids. having someone to be consistently there is a gift so i'm really grateful that those kind of persons exist.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that, i'm now ok. i found peace when i stopped fixing things and get on with my life. i have no regrets coming back home to my kids and leaving behind a step closer to my dreams. i know that if its meant to be, then i'll have a 2nd chance to my real path of existence. the knowledge that i tried, is enough for me to realize what i have and what i can't have. at least i tried, thats more important.

i'm sorry if i may sound vague for some but later on, i may be able to enlighten you when i'm stronger to come forward and let it out. but for now, these are all i can share to you. =)

proud momma

my eldest son, nixon, started primary1 (grade1 in pinas school term) last jan. 2 at first toa payoh primary school. we were with him on his 1st day and i saw his excitement and anticipation of how things will be different from his kindergarten. he was one of the tallest kid in class. we left after an hour and waited for him at home. upon arrival, he told me that they had a buddy system where they partnered with primary5 kids. his buddy was telling him to eat faster during recess.. haha!

after 2weeks, parents of primary1's were summoned for a brief discussion of school policies and introduction of the teachers. i spoke to nixon's homeroom teacher, she told me that he's one of the brightest pupils she have, except that he's mischievous at times. *hmm, he should stop watching tom and jerry*. she said he was kinda shy at times, pretending not to hear when the teacher asks for volunteers. he's lacking some kind of leadership, she adds. i just told her that its ok for her to assign tasks for him, he normally does well with responsibility.

the following week, i learned that he was made PE monitor of their class. the week after, he was the library monitor in their classroom, and he was very proud telling me the news. he does his homework well and i was so happy to see that on his first unit test, he got a perfect score of 20/20! and somehow, i can see that he can follow on his chinese class also. its really a relief to know that he's adjusting pretty good in school. our only hurdle is waking up early for his school. its a struggle, but i know he'll get used to it after a while. =)

pondering, choosing lesser evil

sometimes, when it's over, you would still cling on to that little hope. i think its alright but you must have the courage to move on and condition yourself that your situation is different now. and its better that you look at the reality rather than fantasize on what could be if you got back together. i got this advice from a friend, and i believe it makes sense... its better to be empty rather than be in pain.

you may have a different view, you might rather choose to be in pain because it gives you the ability to feel and that its more human. but i guess in my case, i had enough of too much feeling and emotions and the best way to go right now is to rest. it doesn't mean i'm giving up with happiness, its just a phase one has to go through to reflect on things and realize your achievements, strengths and weaknesses. i suggest you let it happen in your life, to have a moment of silence and contemplate what has transpired. this way you don't focus on the negatives, but on the happy memories and the lessons you obtained.

i'm now counting the days to my big 3-0 and much has happened, good and bad. i'm now halfway of my entire life, and wasting it on bad memories and sulking is not a good idea. i choose to be strong and happy... i'm gonna move on with my head up high because i know i did my best for the past 30years.