yesterday's mini conversation

her: if i have stayed, we could all be there by now.

him: yeah, your right. lets try to do it again, this time i promise, no more stunts.

her: yeah right. as if you could make me believe you at this point in time. you have to earn it back.

him: i'm sorry.

mixed nuts

righting a mistake, makes the i'm sorry a redemption.

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losing it, gaining it.. lost it for another... i hope it's all worth it for you.

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torn. the good... internet is up. facebook, gmail and yahoo mail can be accessed *yay!*. the bad... work from home, prod support, 24/7, chengdu china team members *ulk!*.

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wolverine... star trek... angels and demons... revolutionary road... oh man! this is so tough to have for a marathon. *crosses fingers and toes*

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oh! i almost forgot, it's mothers day this coming sunday. Happy mom's day to all you mothers out there! love u mader dear! :)

unfamiliar grounds

i'm accustomed to taking risks and facing difficulties and fears. i have this strong conviction of myself, that whatever decision i make, i will be responsible for the consequences. during my grade school days, i had a big crush on this high school guy. one day i just decided to tell him that i like him and i admire his volleyball skills. that day, i knew that i'm that kind of person who would not just keep quiet and wait for things to unfold on its own. before i graduated high school, i had the audacity to tell my history teacher that i like him a lot. when i was a freshman in college, i greatly admired my trigonometry professor. i gave him a parker pen.. i had a feeling he knew my reasons. and when i was already working, i was bold enough to tell my then-best-friend-now-husband, that i was in love with him.

gone were the days when i would sit still and shy away from arguments and confrontations... i was always ready to give my opinions, sometimes, even without tact. not until recently, when a very traumatic experience made a head-on collision with my life, our lives. my whole being was itching to confront the devil and let all my grief, anger and pain burst out. but for the first time, i kept my distance and didn't bother to get any answers or to explain myself. i just stopped and burried myself in my cave. i focused all my energy on my kids and to reading. it became my zen.

it was tough, almost all the time i would cry. i felt so alone, but i was very thankful to those who would drop a message or two asking how my day was and how i am coping. my family oftentimes call and text me encouraging words. some came to visit, and i'm thankful to be blessed with friendly souls. it was a surprise to know that those who you don't often see were the first ones to sympathize. again, i'm forever grateful. :)

nothing much, really

one's patience is really tested to its fullest by your growing children and ageing parents. if you muster the art of diplomatic conversation, then i salute you. =)

on another note, i'm glad and happy to say that i'm back on track. side trips were inevitable, you just have to know how to go around the obstacles. i just want to let my detractors know that you will never break me because i keep my faith intact and i'm focused to fight for my kids' happiness, whatever it takes. you haven't seen the real me, i have dealt with you in a subtle manner. if i were such a b*tch, you would've hidden your face in shame. i could've done worse, but my delikadesa and good manners kept me in the distance. i'm a mother and wife, it's my duty and place to protect my family. stop with your nonsense reasoning, you're in the wrong.

i'm now ready to break the silence. i'm no longer afraid to hold back my feelings or thoughts. i have surpassed my darkest hour, and i'm ready.. because i have braved the odds and i will never back down. there's always a blessing in disguise hiding somewhere after the storm. you just have to tough it out. *wink.. prang showbiz hehehe*

funnies by the boys

last week, my nanny told me that nixon has a crush on a girl that he usually sees at the playground. her name is yenli *i'm not sure how to spell her name*. tita juvs *my nanny* even told me that they have this song to tease nixon... it goes like this, "my heart goes shalalalala, bog bog bog!". i guess most of you know this song. even noah would sing this to nixon whenever yenli is around and would put his two hands on his chest and impersonate a heart pumping action together with the song followed by a big laugh! makapang-asar lang kay kuya hahaha!

then tita juvs saw this pencil case with crayons in nixon's schoolbag that doesn't look like his. she asked him whose pencil case was it, and nixon answered its sabrina's *and then he blushed and made a timid smile*. tita juvs teased him who sabrina was and nixon said he likes her.

i confronted my son *panic mode na si mommy*..

me: nixon, who is yenli and sabrina?? do you like them??

nixon: no mommy! i'm not allowed to have a girlfriend because i'm not yet 21!

*and there i was, trying to phrase my question lightly so as not to make an impression and i was dumbfounded by his adult-like answer!*


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on another note about noah... we went to mcdonalds to buy some happy meal for the boys. when we got home, noah started feasting on the french fries and requested for catsup. we squeezed some on a small plate. after finishing the fries, there was still some catsup left. he put the plate down on the floor and dipped his face on it and started licking the catsup! then he said, "meow!!!". AYOS!!! we were laughing so hard hahaha!

the -days

yesterday... he asked me to join him for dinner.

today... while in giant grocery(vivo city) with the kids, he searched for my favorite coconut biscuits which is hard to find here in sg. he got me two packs of the biscuit.

i'm sincerely touched.

facebook <-- feedbacks please

i'm contemplating on having a facebook account. i received 5 invites already, and i'm not yet sure if i'm ready to be 'socially connected'. since i don't have any more friendster account, maybe part of moving on is upgrading your 'stuffs'. i'm still keeping my multiply and blogspot account, though.

ok ba ang facebook compared to friendster? some people told me that security is an issue with facebook. friendster naman, 10years before loading the page.

touching valentine letter from kobe

valentine's day hasn't been a very 'celebrated' event in our family. we just normally greet each other and get on with our everyday lives. my sister berna told me the other day that our little sister, kobe, made a valentine's card for our family. she placed it on the ref door back home. berna sent me the message via chat. here was the message:

to my beloved family
mama papa kuya jason ate grace hapi valentines day noah and nixon

thanks jesus for valentines day

dear family, i love you all bcoz wen i was a kid you care for me even mama even i lie i will still love you and papa you done to so much

kuya even you always tease me i will love you in my heart ate berna thank you for teaching me all

ate grace you always make me happy all the time
*this next line is for me...*
achie you gave me nephews and that was the greatest gift to me nixon and noah
*awwww! i'm so touched!*

thank you all from your beloved child kobe

btw, she's only 8years old, turning 9 this year. =)

dialogues

aslee: don't worry, i'm getting there

obie: *sigh of relief* i'm there

grace: *puzzled* never there!

nyahahaha!

no title

the best thing upon hitting 30 is you stop ageing. that's right, you just stop counting and age is just a number.

i was off the radar for a while *i know... deleting my friendster account that i kept for 5years is kinda huge in terms of being off the radar.* i just had the notion of keeping to myself and thinking about stuffs. its not that i wanna lose contact with my friends, in fact i was keeping an inventory haha! maybe that's the paranoia you get when betrayal sets foot. enough said on the negatives... i'm pretty happy right now and in the process of moving on. i'm pretty sure though that i don't wanna care about those people who made my life difficult for the past errr 3months or so.

anyway, i just wanna thank those people who kept wishing me well and were supportive of me and my kids. having someone to be consistently there is a gift so i'm really grateful that those kind of persons exist.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that, i'm now ok. i found peace when i stopped fixing things and get on with my life. i have no regrets coming back home to my kids and leaving behind a step closer to my dreams. i know that if its meant to be, then i'll have a 2nd chance to my real path of existence. the knowledge that i tried, is enough for me to realize what i have and what i can't have. at least i tried, thats more important.

i'm sorry if i may sound vague for some but later on, i may be able to enlighten you when i'm stronger to come forward and let it out. but for now, these are all i can share to you. =)

proud momma

my eldest son, nixon, started primary1 (grade1 in pinas school term) last jan. 2 at first toa payoh primary school. we were with him on his 1st day and i saw his excitement and anticipation of how things will be different from his kindergarten. he was one of the tallest kid in class. we left after an hour and waited for him at home. upon arrival, he told me that they had a buddy system where they partnered with primary5 kids. his buddy was telling him to eat faster during recess.. haha!

after 2weeks, parents of primary1's were summoned for a brief discussion of school policies and introduction of the teachers. i spoke to nixon's homeroom teacher, she told me that he's one of the brightest pupils she have, except that he's mischievous at times. *hmm, he should stop watching tom and jerry*. she said he was kinda shy at times, pretending not to hear when the teacher asks for volunteers. he's lacking some kind of leadership, she adds. i just told her that its ok for her to assign tasks for him, he normally does well with responsibility.

the following week, i learned that he was made PE monitor of their class. the week after, he was the library monitor in their classroom, and he was very proud telling me the news. he does his homework well and i was so happy to see that on his first unit test, he got a perfect score of 20/20! and somehow, i can see that he can follow on his chinese class also. its really a relief to know that he's adjusting pretty good in school. our only hurdle is waking up early for his school. its a struggle, but i know he'll get used to it after a while. =)

pondering, choosing lesser evil

sometimes, when it's over, you would still cling on to that little hope. i think its alright but you must have the courage to move on and condition yourself that your situation is different now. and its better that you look at the reality rather than fantasize on what could be if you got back together. i got this advice from a friend, and i believe it makes sense... its better to be empty rather than be in pain.

you may have a different view, you might rather choose to be in pain because it gives you the ability to feel and that its more human. but i guess in my case, i had enough of too much feeling and emotions and the best way to go right now is to rest. it doesn't mean i'm giving up with happiness, its just a phase one has to go through to reflect on things and realize your achievements, strengths and weaknesses. i suggest you let it happen in your life, to have a moment of silence and contemplate what has transpired. this way you don't focus on the negatives, but on the happy memories and the lessons you obtained.

i'm now counting the days to my big 3-0 and much has happened, good and bad. i'm now halfway of my entire life, and wasting it on bad memories and sulking is not a good idea. i choose to be strong and happy... i'm gonna move on with my head up high because i know i did my best for the past 30years.

finding strength

towards december, i was finding the courage and strength to write. but words just fail me. i can't even make a cohesive thought, everything is jumbled up and there were so many missing pieces in my heart and mind. they would just not connect at all.

i wanted to write about my feelings, but i'm too afraid for it to be too much. i'm afraid that too many questions would be said, and no answers would suffice. and then it would hurt. my patience is being tested, and i'm trying to breathe. i'm at lost for emotions, because i don't know exactly how to feel and react. i guess it's my fault... all along, i had high hopes which i wasn't even sure. and now, it's all gone... pieces of me are shaved off and putting them back all together is a mess.

rainbows and sunshine

It’s fascinating to watch the sunrise coming in through the windows and catching the warm sunshine in your face. It’s like admiring a rainbow shine at its best after the rain and realizing how great life is. I would like to think about wonderful miracles these days. Especially when you’re expecting something wonderful to happen, a miracle perhaps.

When you find yourself in a situation that you cannot control, that is out of hand, all you can do is cry, pick up the pieces of your broken heart and move on. Don’t feel sad or defeated, because you’ve done your best and it’s the utmost of your capabilities. So don’t blame yourself… sometimes, things just doesn’t turn out the way we hope it should be. And I know it must really hurt big time, but we are all interconnected. And whatever the other person decides, will affect us further on in a different manner that we can’t explain at the moment. It will reveal itself maybe tomorrow, next month, next year… who knows. Some day you will just realize the purpose of that unwanted incident in your life and nod your head and say to yourself, “ahh now I get it.” But ‘til then, just remember the rainbows and sunshine. They might not be there at all times, but it happens. And so will your miracle and mine.

to be swept away off ur feet

what does it take for you to be swept away off your feet and be in cloud9?

i have been watching too many chick flick and romantic movies these days, and i get totally carried away with 'kilig' on those sweet moments when the boy would propose to the girl on his knees spontaneously... or those profound moments of kissing and hugging. *sigh*

the best part is the saying of i love you's... especially when i imagine myself being the girl on the movie being professed with love and devotion. i could just imagine how surreal that moment is...

today is a milestone

after 12midnight on this 22nd day of november year 2008, i sent a simple text message to my father. i greeted him a very happy birthday and i told him he's 59 and by january2009 i'll be 30. so i'm almost half of his life. i told him to take good care of his health and i thanked him. it touched my heart when he immediately replied to me, "thank u at ikaw sana matupad lahat ng pangarap mo. i'm proud of you, take care ka lagi jan." (thank u and i hope all your dreams would come true. i'm proud of you, take care always.)

i was teary-eyed... it was the first time in my entire 30years that my father told me that he is proud of me. we had gone through rough times together and after all these years, he finally sees me and i'm so moved by his words. he was never good at expressing himself, and i'm grateful for his courage.

to you papa, happy birthday and i love you always.

beyonce, be scared, be very scared!

this link was forwarded to me by a friend, blessie, who was browsing in youtube.com to find latest song hits.. she found this and i was so amazed! i was laughing my heart out and furious with envy!




now, due to the overwelming response of the viewers proven by more than 1million hits, he guested in BH talk show (Bonnie Hunt). here's the 'purified' version... watch it here!

2nd monthsary alone

new things i've mustered so far being in a different environment and experiencing 1st's in my life..

1. the earth does get very cold in some parts of this world. i never expected that a vast space would be like a cold freezer with cold mist splashing in your face.

2. staying in a suburban area is cool although it sometimes gets boring when there's only one bus passing by your neighborhood and the nearest civilization (malls) is 40minutes away.

3. autumn leaves are really fascinating and wonderful. before, i didn't really care when i come across them in magazines and the internet. now seeing them in person makes it feel so delightful. the changing of colors are awesome!

4. that in these events, i should take very good care of my camera :( it's been more than 2weeks now since it's been in the repair center. please get well soon so i can still catch the autumn leaves before snow comes in.

5. it takes a lot of patience waiting for the bus to pass by and getting there in the train station 30minutes before the arrival. it takes a lot of warming power to sit or stand in the shed while cold wind is blowing and smoke is definitely coming out of your breath (but i kinda like the smoke thing hehe).

6. you learn to do chores on your own and well, do all of them by yourself. *prang redundant haha*

7. i learned to read the maps and be observant of the road signs and bus stops and shops, banks, church, groceries within the area so that the next time, i know when to hit the stop button in the bus and where to alight in train stations.

8. i learned how to find a way to entertain myself when sadness, loneliness, depression and homesickness kicks in :( *sigh* i really miss my kids and dadi rak. *i already watched grey's anatomy from season1-4*

sadyang ganoon

minsan, kahit gaano kalabis mong ipakita sa taong mahal mo na iniibig mo sya, sadyang di ka nya nakikita.

minsan, kahit gaano kaalab ang iyong pag-irog sa kanya, sadyang di nya maramdaman ang kapurihan ng iyong pagsinta.

minsan, kahit gaano kahigpit ang iyong yakap sa kanya upang ipadama ang init ng iyong pagmaliw, sadyang kumakawala sya sa iyong mga bisig.

minsan, kahit gaano mo sya gustong punuin ng iyong pag-aaruga at proteksyon, sadyang pilit pa din syang lalayag at papalaot sa piling ng iba.

minsan, kahit gaano kasakit sa iyong damdamin na makita syang masaya sa piling ng kanyang sinisinta, sadyang kailangang tanggapin na kahit kailan di sya para sa iyo.

minsan, kahit gaano kaganda at kadalisay ang iyong intensyong mapaligaya sya, palalayain mo sya kahit lumuluha ang iyong puso.

sadyang ganoon talaga.. mas mahalaga ang pagmamahal nya sa iniibig nya kaysa sa pag-ibig na nilalaan mo para sa kanya.

noted

a gentleman knows when to walk away and doesn't settle for anything less than what he deserves. - mrs. burke, grey's anatomy