i don't wanna miss a thing

today's fascinating Q&A's and touching gestures by the little ones...

noah: mummy, why do boys have to have two balls to marry a woman?
me: baby let's just talk about that next time

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noah: wake up mummy! breakfast time!
me: what's for breakfast?
noah: pancakes! but there's only two pieces left.. oh i know! i'll cut mine in half so we could share ok?

aaaaawwwwwwwww!

nixon also came in and said good morning and i love you to me. he got a bit of spanking and scolding last night for breaking a lamp, and yet the love and affection is still there. how fascinating that he has gone way past my anger and still feel the love for me without grudges.

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inside the mrt, i handed over the kindle to nixon, and he started reading 'charlie and the chocolate factory'. i handed the ipad to the little one and opened 'winnie the pooh' in ibooks. first thing he did? turned to the last page to check out how many pages and blurted out with an impatient voice, "139 pages??!".

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noah was holding his arms around me while standing up inside the bus. i had to hold onto the pole for support. upon turning to a sharp curve, he suddenly said, "mummy i got you.. you're safe with me."

i love my boys... i wouldn't be afraid to get old =)

riser

she was sitting on a sofa across me in a living room or an office reception area... i couldn't really tell. there was somber & melancholy emanating from her. i asked her how she's doing. her lips trembled as she replied, "i'm fine.. i suppose." she told me she's working somewhere in outram park mrt station, near the riser building. she was wearing long sleeves office jacket and skirt, all in black.

when i woke up, i had the sudden urge to call her and say hello.

home stretch

today has been a series of queues and lines and test of patience.

i was asked to come in early to get a series of tests and consultations. at one point, there was a one-hour waiting time for a lab queue. and that after getting the results, the doctor was already out for lunch. bummer.

and so i decided to join the lunch hour break queue. then another set of queues for three different banks/remittance centers.

upon return to the specialist, alas! the procedure required for a test that would entail eight weeks to process! double bummer! :(

reminded myself: this is just another test of a series of more of life's challenges. i should keep looking forward, positive and encourage to better our days while waiting. we're almost at the end of the line. it's been almost a year now come march 4... how much hurt can eight more weeks do?

:)

mixed up tape

before i forget the details, here goes what transpired in my dreams last night.

dadi and i were walking along the beach, then suddenly there was a mini tsunami that washed us ashore! i was crying out loud for dadi's name then i found him but couldn't see me. apparently he got temporary deafness so i had to come over him. we moved out and went inside our hotel somewhere far away from the beach. i remember seeing the sky gray.

then the scene shifted. i was in this huge vintage hotel and was about to bathe on one of the bathrooms in the 2nd floor to the right of the staircase. i left my things and went back down to get something. when i came back, the bathroom was gone! i had to search the rooms manned by butlers in uniform and they just looked at me on my bathrobe. i remember walking the corridors to the left and climbing up huge staircases. i think that bathroom was forever lost in my dream.

the next scene consisted of people i didn't know, in a land i don't even recognize. i was on top of this balancing seesaw kind of thing. it's made of wooden ladder on top of a wooden triangle underneath. i was perched flat on top and was afraid to move for if i shift, the whole thing will turn around and i don't like that coz i get very dizzy. i don't know how i got down coz the next thing i saw were 2 women and a man in front of me asking for their pictures to be taken. they were a caucasian lot. the other girl was the ex-girl of the man and the camera was with her. she wouldn't hand it over because she hates the new girl that her man is seeing now. but the man insisted that the ex-girl hand the camera over to me so i could take their picture. it ended up me taking the picture of all three sitting together with the man in the middle.

quotable quote

*title borrowed from one of jo-an's collection of phrases*

he turned his head towards me and suddenly blurted out, "you're a CATCH..."
and then he smiled... couldn't help the tears from rolling.

good night :)

the little one dreams

noah usually comes to our bed every time he wakes up in the morning and shares his night dreams.

just the other day, he told us that he dreamt that he was with tita juvs (our nanny) going to the market. at the meat shop, the owner told him that he was fat!!! haha it really bothered him while he was telling the tale. he believes his tummy is getting smaller so he is not fat anymore. :)

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the little one celebrated his birthday last february 10 with a CNY theme... he's turning 7 this friday. oh how time flies! i wished for time to slow down just a little bit for you to remain my little tabachingching... we love you bebeng dear!

*photo grabbed from mrsjanxazarcon via instagram*

a new toyfriend :)

writing this post via the new toyfriend... loving it! now i can write my thoughts anytime without delay and having to jot down in a notepad.

new leaf

well hello there! i have ignored my little space for almost a year! no excuses, no explanations. let's just continue where we left off...

had another dream and its bordering between wild and scary... we were on a rescue helicopter going back to the evacuation center. i remember being on the chopper standing up and looking out the window. then there was a sudden jolt, and seconds later, the engines stopped! we started falling!!! it felt so real, like riding an elevator that's out of control! the last thought i remembered before it crashed was praying for my 2 boys :( my exact words were, "Kayo na po bahala sa mga anak ko" (please take care of my children).

i have yet to find out the meaning of this dream.

QT conversation with my 10year old

the 10minutes quality time i have with my boys is the best time of all my days... it's the time when we put them to bed at night. we usually have a chit chat before they go to sleep.

tonight was kinda special. my conversation with nixon is growing up.

me: good night baby... why are you so big and tall? please don't grow up so fast!

nixon: i will try *smiling*. and you know, you're different from other of my friends' moms.

me: really? how come?

nixon: well they tell them that they are big enough to own stuff

*i'm guessing this is about getting his own gadgets*

me: baby, i trust you. but i don't trust the people around you. there are bad people out there who would want to hurt you just to get your fone or playstation. we don't want to put you in that situation. and besides that, when you have more stuff, your life will be more complicated. grown-ups have that huge problem

nixon: yes like house, car, children, work, bills, debts, groceries, computers, iphone

me: yes you're right son! so why don't you enjoy life as it is right now, simple and easy. the less you have, the less your worries. just mind about your school, friends, books, tv shows, and boardgames

nixon: ok mummy... good night!

why do i love thee

this poem below has been in my subconscious since i read it in one of those hallmark greeting cards while in the national bookstore waiting for that someone.

people often ask their better halves, why do you love me? why do you want to stay with me? can you give me some reasons why you chose to love me? honestly, most people couldn't really put it into words in that instant. so we make this blabbering about his looks, kindness, thoughtfulness yada yada yada...

as we get of age, i realize that the answer to these questions is not really about that person... but it's within you. it's what you have become, what you have achieved, what made you who you are at this moment.

it dawned on me when i answered to him, i love you because i am a better person. i love you because i am not here right now if it wasn't for you and our children. i love you because i am more resilient, reliable and thoughtful to other people. i love you because i learned to value life and love more than ever, and i love you because i respect you. i love you because i became aware of the importance of my existence and my gratitude towards life and God is exceedingly way over beyond what i can imagine it could be. i love you because i'm still gearing up and willing to learn more about life in the next coming years and i believe i wouldn't experience it better with anybody else but you.

=)

How Do I Love Thee? (Sonnet 43)
by Elizabeth Barrett Browning
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight For the ends of being and ideal grace. I love thee to the level of every day's Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. I love thee freely, as men strive for right. I love thee purely, as they turn from praise. I love thee with the passion put to use In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith. I love thee with a love I seemed to lose With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death.

countdown

ilang beses ko ng sinasabi, di ko sineseryoso... o ayaw ko seryosohin. kasi pag pinagnilayan ko, alam ko, maluluha lang ako. alam ko, gugunaw ang isang parte sa puso ko.

lagi kong ibinibiro, "uuyy malapit na kayo mag-countdown". pero sino ba niloloko ko, kundi ang sarili ko. alam ko naman, kung aaminin ko lang, ako ang talagang nagka-countdown.

sino ba namang kaibigang nagmamahal ang gustong mawalay sa mga taong kahit saglit mo lang nakasama, gumuhit na ng napakagandang alaala sa isipan at puso mo. kahit kelan, di mo na mawawaglit ang mga panahong biglang aya ng laro dito, kain doon, nood dyan, shopping ng lunch break.

ang hirap isipin na milya na ang pisikal na distansya naten. buti na lang may internet. pero iba parin ang totoong pag-yakap, pag-alalay, pag-alo, pag-hikayat, pag-sermon, pag-mamahal na pinaramdam nyo sa akin, sa amin.

ang hirap talaga mamaalam.

dream journal

i hate myself for being lazy to grab my fone and jot down the thoughts in my mind whenever it comes reeling in. too confident, knowing that i will remember it later, but actually i don't. so i have piles and piles of notes in my head that just faded away. by the time i sit down to face my blank notepad for blogging, i don't know what to write. now here i am, finally jotting down an entry which should have been composed 4months ago.

i'd like to document my weird dreams... maybe someday, somehow, someone would be able to explain to me what it means. or maybe, i just want to keep them because normally, we forget dreams the moment we wake up and just remember fragments.

a. ok so if you're sensitive, don't read this. again, i warned you. i saw in a toilet bowl, a white dove, crawling out of brown grinded stuff, like sand on water. does that even have a translation???

b. holding a big brown rat on his tail. ok, i should've warned you.

c. high school reunion with karen and keith. i don't know why their faces are so vivid.

d. sharing grapes with friends, janx and trina.

e. i saw a friend who fainted in my dream. i guess it was a reminder for me to tell her of what transpired the other day.

carpe diem!

*suddenly remembered i missed posting this last christmas*

the receptionist from my ortho told me that my next appointment would be dec. 24 so she said how about we move it 1st week january. it didn't sink in so my immediate response was, "its chinese new year". then later realized my thoughts lingered in january.

holidays again would go without spending it at home with family. it's been 7 christmases.

i decided to take that trip on january.�

moving houses, paying rent and bills will always be there. getting married, having kids, paedia care, school fees, extended family support is part of life.. it will always be there.�

so what am i saying here? i'm saying i will no longer put on hold things that we, i, wanted to do just because of these part of life. yes, i'm seizing the day. we can always earn back the money we spent, but the time loss, the moment of bliss and happiness of being there and doing what we always wanted to do can fade away. the hours, the days, cannot be rewinded. so why wait when we're old and grey and too fragile to take that adventure? why not now?

i'm feeling excited. as clarisse vaughan has said from "the hours", this moment here of happiness is happiness. right now.

and they strike again

mami: noah you're stepping on my foot!
noah: no mommy... my slippers stepped on your foot!

hmp!

nixon: mommy, how do you spell 'caint'? (sounds something like that to me)
mami: is there such a word? what do you mean?
nixon: you know, it's like when they're being punished
mami: hay naku nixon, CANED! (i even asked him to check the dictionary susme!)

bakit ba kasi sounds like letter 'T' dito pag past tense! HMP!

where have all the eyebrows gone!

was trying to grow back some 'brow tail' since late 2010... just noticed that the magic is gone. i tried resorting to brow liners, but it seems off with the growing tail. you know that feeling when you look in the mirror and feels like your brows are levitating over the liner, its disappointing! so i'd have to cut a little bit of it every time. and now i'm reaping the effects... it just decided not to grow back anymore. now i have to learn the art of brow lining, besides gel eye lining ugh!

Easter Island Underworld | National Geographic Channel

"i would want to visit this place someday... someday..."

Explorer opens your eyes to riveting, untold adventures.

easter island!!!

:)

sms & emails

it started out with an early sms which affected the entire day. followed by the opening of that mail.
the bread with chizwhiz made up for it somehow.. and the quick chat with a dear sibling.

the butterflies in my stomach caused it to miss my lunch with a very good Pa-lady friend.
and the delay that night caused me to miss my dinner/drinks with another Pa-lady friend.

i feel so terrible for missing chillax hours with these beautiful, fun Pa-ladies. next week, i'm totally setting aside quality time with them.

as it turns out

it's been a more than a month now, so far so good with the new post. during my hunt, i was telling myself that i should think 'long term' as a priority

i was choosing between two options then. sad to say, the one that i really wanted didn't suffice. and after a month, i heard some awful news about 'the other'. as it turned out, the posting didn't materialize.

to think i was so disappointed then, and i kept on asking Him, why? why didn't it happen for me?

now, i'm so thankful it really didn't. i'm very thankful to be working side by side with dadi :) i had to blurt out, "thank God!".

cheers!

happy 6th birthday to us :)

math-tinik

the apple does not fall far from the tree

i'm so proud of nixon. he never fails to amuse us when it comes to his studies. of course there would be tough times and this moment, is a moment of celebration and triumph... not just for us parents, but for our friends and families as well.

he got first place in class and 87th in Asia.

i think so too

forgiveness and mercy can be applicable if there is recognition and acceptance of fault, followed by sincere apologies and repentance. then, it is only rightful and deserving to say, "I forgive you".

isn't it funny to be asked, "when will you forgive?", when the culprit isn't exactly aware or directly denies affliction?

shoe-pulsive

i hate myself when i get to the point of letting go...

...of shoeseseses that i bought impulsively!

i normally have dilemmas buying shoes. first of all, my feet are wide, and in this country *where girls are so petite*, getting the right shoes for me is next to impossible! i envy those who could fit perfectly in their cinderella dream. getting the comfy & pretty ones are usually way out of my budget.

i bought 2 pairs from nine west 2years ago... ayun, so far i gave one pair to my sis grace and the other one has been sitting inside the shoe cabinet :( i really like the design and color, unfortunately, the flexing of the leather didn't happen. same goes with my ergo lab shoes... and here i thought it should be feet-friendly!

so now, the hardest part is accepting that it's not meant to be and i have to send them off somewhere where they can be useful.

sigh

strangers in the night

i've been having dreams of people i have not seen in my entire life. when i wake up, i would see their faces in my mind... the dream is so vivid. i can remember features, colors, clothes, expressions, emotions. i don't really know what it means. if its premonition, then why have i not seen them still? so strange...

sometimes i would even dream about being in another place, in another time, in another circumstance. but the memories of these dreams won't last 'til i finally wake up. i could only remember glimpse of some details. but i know in my heart and mind that i was somewhere else.

maybe i'm reading too much philip pullman and j.k. rowling.

blowing bubbles

whenever i see a gumamela flower, it sends me back in time when we were little girls, playing near the shrubberies and picking out gumamela leaves and flowers. we would remove the stalks and sip the sweet juice for it taste good as candy. i can't really remember if it does taste sweet.

of course our main goal was to really make a bubble mix using the flower and leaves. we would smash them with a rock then put them on a tub of water. then we would get the thinnest walis tingting sticks *broomstick* and tie them up to a knot and will be used as the bubble maker. out of frustration of not achieving the right texture of the gumamela bubble mix, we sneak in at our laundry basket and scoop some detergents, without our mom's knowledge hehehe!

i think most of us experienced this during our childhood years way back in pinas... i'm seeing a lot of heads nodding and grins in your faces right now. =D

a piece of me

here's a new piece of me... done last may 2nd. thanks to mareng ne for lending his tat artist, nick.

the flower is a lily.. personifying my nick during high school. the chinese character is my surname. i haven't thought about completing my name coz i'm also toying with the idea of having my sons' chinese names tat as well *in the future i suppose*.

into deep

right now, i'm in my cave, trying to calm down and compose myself. at this moment, at this instant, i really really wish i was there... that we are there. that this shouldn't be happening if we were there. i really wanna be there so badly, i'm crying and hurting inside so bad. i'm pushing away all thoughts of regrets, frustrations, anger and blame. why, why does it have to be so hard? why can't it happen?

aloe hair!

please don't judge me. this is the only way i know, my last resort to alleviate my hair's agony.

it's been 3months now since it started falling off incessantly. i was ignoring it at first, thinking it must be normal for a week or two. but by golly! i'm so scared right now 'coz it keeps falling off even if i just comb my hair once a day (during mornings only while its wet). my suspect: the hair lotion i'm applying c/o pink beauty to keep my curls neat. it doesn't come cheap mind you. i stopped using it for about 3weeks now and my alternative is ginvera olive oil, but the same number of hair strands are still falling off huhuhu!

while some of you might go for hair technology, treatments and damage control products, i decided to go back to basics. i don't wanna shed more pennies to only regret it later on. my solution: aloe vera. yes, i bought a big 'leaf' in the grocery and asked my ever reliable hubby to scrub the aloe jelly(?) on my scalp and leave it there for half an hour before washing. i just had a sudden flash of memory of my mom helping a neighbor scrub aloe vera while having their usual afternoon chitchats way back my childhood days. there was even another hair remedy... 'gugo' bark, which you soak into the water and lathers up like shampoo and is applied to the scalp and hair. if aloe vera doesn't work, then i need to get this 'gugo' bark. yes, i'm desperate.

lizzy and mr. darcy

have you ever had this feeling when you read a book that you really like... and you wanna keep reading it because you're so excited and thrilled to know the what's gonna happen next *even if you have watched it in a movie already*? yet at the same time, you dread that the pages are going by so fast, there's just few of them left so you wanna stop and you wished that the pages would not end...

that's how i felt while reading jane austen's pride and prejudice.

i'm so happy and very satisfied after reading the book itself. crazy enough, i watched the movie immediately that night after reading it. recognizing the dialogues in the book being spoken by the characters made it so real, especially the part when lady catherine de bourgh confronted elizabeth. mrs. bennet is even funnier in the book, and mr. darcy's confessions of love for lizzy is so heartwarming! i'm so in love with him! hahaha!

here are my fave quotes in the book:

Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us. - Mary, Chapter 5

"Really, Mr. Collins," cried Elizabeth with some warmth, "you puzzle me exceedingly. If what I have hitherto said can appear to you in the form of encouragement, I know not how to express my refusal in such a way as to convince you of its being one." - Chapter 19

"An unhappy alternative is before you, Elizabeth. From this day you must be a stranger to one of your parents. Your mother will never see you again if you do not marry Mr. Collins, and I will never see you again if you do." - Mr. Bennet, Chapter 20 <-- this really made me laugh while i was in the train!

She was suddenly roused by the sound of the door-bell, and her spirits were a little fluttered by the idea of its being Colonel Fitzwilliam himself, who had once before called late in the evening, and might now come to inquire particularly after her. But this idea was soon banished, and her spirits were very differently affected, when, to her utter amazement, she saw Mr. Darcy walk into the room. In an hurried manner he immediately began an inquiry after her health, imputing his visit to a wish of hearing that she were better. She answered him with cold civility. He sat down for a few moments, and then getting up, walked about the room. Elizabeth was surprised, but said not a word. After a silence of several minutes, he came towards her in an agitated manner, and thus began: "In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you." <-- super kilig moment!

"I cannot fix on the hour, or the look, or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun." - Mr. Darcy

crazy!

this guy is just so great, i have to share his performance to ya' all... get ready to be amazed

funny wants and grudges

some of the things my sons told me/us the past week na nakakagulat at nakakatawa...

nixon: mami, next time can we go to australia?
me: *recovering from shock* huh? why?
nixon: i heard from tita isa that her trip was fun and exciting. i would like to go there too
me: ok, tell your daddy

anlayo kaagad ng narating ng pangarap ng kuya ko ha... kailangang pag-ipunan susme!

noah: mami, i love you! i love it when you come home at daytime

what he means is, he's happy when i come home from work na may liwanag pa. dito kasi sa gapor, mga 7pm usually maliwanag pa.

nixon: mami, can we have another baby brother or a baby sister?
me: *shock na naman* why??
nixon: i just want one more playmate

wow kuya, madaling gawin yan, mahirap i-maintain!

yesterday, i was on searching on my mac while noah was answering his activity book. sa sobrang busy ko, di ko sya naririnig hanggang sa lumapit na lng sya sakin, sabay sabi, "mami! is there something wrong with your ears???"
me: ha? what happened?
noah: i keep calling you to help me with my book!
me: ay sorry baby, i didn't hear you.. what were you asking?
noah: hmp! *with cross arms on chest* i don't like you because there is something wrong with your ears!!!!

pinigilan ko talagang tumawa! sinumbong pa nya ko kay tita juvs! *our nanny* ang kulit!!! imbes na sabihin nyang, i don't like you because you're not listening to me, talagang tinuya nya ang tenga ko! hahahaha

a matter of no consequence

i have this notion, while i was reading 'the little prince' by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, that the book would be somewhat shallow and probably be categorized as a children's book. but after reading it, i couldn't help but put it in my 'to-reread' list. here are my fave quotes... i will leave them for your own inspiration :)
Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them.i think most of us is struck by this truth: once we become adults, we forget that we were once kids and loose our imagination... that's why everything becomes very complicated.
"One must command from each what each can perform, the king went on. "Authority is based first of all upon reason. If you command your subjects to jump into the ocean, there will be a revolution. I am entitled to command obedience because my orders are reasonable.", said the King. " Then my sunset?" insisted the little prince, who never let go of a question once he had asked it. "You shall have your sunset. I shall command it. But I shall wait, according to my science of government, until conditions are favorable."
this one, for me, pertains to responsible governance and being logical subjects.


Here is my secret. It is very simple: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.
i didn't know that this quote comes from this book. it is true... the physical fades, but the heart and compassion remains.


"Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed."
i'm very fond with the fox in this book. he's a feeling creature, and his words are wise. for me, it's like when you start caring and loving someone, you nurture the relationship. and whatever the circumstance is, whether it blooms or fails, we should take responsibility and not absolve ourselves from the commitment.

*my heartfelt thanks to pazette for recommending this book :)*

some kinda stupid

hay di ko alam kung talagang stress lang ako sa work or what! i was about to register my starbucks prepaid card online so i can keep track of my balance and top-up... so the instruction says, scratch the back to reveal the security pin code. and this is what happened... take note on the lower part...

i said to myself, bakit wala namang number!??! then scratch ko ulit sa right side, wala parin! i'm getting frustrated na, so i scratched the left side. hay naku wala parin!!! tapos i looked up at the card, perfect! andun pala sa taas un pin code!!!! syempre di ko naisip na un long gray line was for swiping diba!!!!! haaaayyyy it's really just one of those days arrggghhh!

ayan so i got a new one to replace it via online... syempre i was embarassed to go to a starbucks branch. anong sasabihin ko!? naisip kong alibi was, my son played with my card. ang salbahe kong nanay!

of nuptial and natal

i was just joking gabe this morning telling him, "oh btw, you know i'm still not used to having the idea or saying the words brother-in-law to my friends! hahaha!". i'm so happy that our family is yet again, joined by another person. i believe they are both gifts to each other. i told grace, you know you don't have to be scared and alone now. someone who really cares for you and loves you will forever suffer your stubborness and ill-treatments haha! kidding aside, during that day, i think i was freaking inside... i was surprisingly speechless and quiet before the ceremony. one of my sisters is about to get wed, and i'm sincerely and utterly filled with joy seeing their happy faces that day. my little sister who usually says i won't get married, is finally hitched! :)

of course the following week was noah's birthday. valentines is usually quick, short, inexpensive since his birth, but we really don't mind because we love him so much and we'd rather splurge on his birthday. the weekend before, we already planned to cook him some spaghetti and chicken, his faves. then come monday, he requested roasted chicken with lots of gravy from tita juvs. agreeably, we obliged by having dinner in kenny rogers at novena and buying a cake of his choice. it was a very fun evening. :)

minsan.. sometimes.. napapadalas

minsan masarap mag-share ng thoughts, lalo na pag masaya ka. ganun ako, mahilig ako mag-share ng mga bagay na nakapagpapasaya sakin. pag may nagustuhan akong pagkain na natikman ko somewhere, bibili ako ng marami nun sa susunod tapos pamimigay ko sa mga kaibigan ko. kasi pwedeng sumaya rin sila.

minsan magluluto ako, at pag naging successful, dadamihan ko at ilalagay ko sa plastic the next day at iaabot ko sa kanila... kahit pa magmukha akong baduy at chipangga dahil naka pang-office clothes ako with killer heels at may bitbit na paperbag na mukhang pang-tapaw *take out*. basta naiisip ko lang, i'm sure matutuwa sila sa niluto ko.

pag may nakita ako sa malls na cute or usable item, kung kaya ko naman bilhin, i would buy it and give it as a gift. kahit pa ako un wala, basta sila meron.

minsan malungkot ako... pero pag naiisip kong mag-share sa kanila ng food or stuffs or happy stories, ok narin ako. minsan nga di daw nila halata na may dinadamdam na pala ako... di ko na lang iniinda, kasi pano na lang ang kaligayahan nila? pag tumahimik ako, ano na lang ang pag uusapan namin? pag huminto ako, pano na sila? di ko rin sigurado na pag ginawa ko un gusto ko, sasaya ako. at least alam ko, sigurado ako, na pag ginawa ko un pra sa kanila at masaya sila, masaya narin ako.

cool change

minumulto na ko ng blog site ko so here i am, blogging away and getting back to biz. sorry, marami lang kasing nangyare recently with our lives for the past 2years na i have to recuperate and be in my own cave.

now, i'm trying to evolve and have a new mindset and tell stories in a different light. together with it is the restructuring of my site little by little. i have put up some new interesting links which i like to share kasi nakakaaliw talaga basahin mga post nila. just click away!

btw, i usually update and post using my multiply account kasi i load some pics over there so its easier to capture pics and export here. i redesigned it as well, may new skin na sya.

khmer siem reap trip

my fascination with culture has lead me yet to another place i truly admire... that is siem reap, cambodia. i heard of their history and temples in my asian history class, but my attention got really drawn to it when i watched the movie, tomb raider.

they were mainly using USD as their trade currency, but you can also use cambodian riels. we stayed at steung siem reap hotel; conveniently located in the old french quarter and a few meters away from the old market, restaurants, atm machines, drugstores, bakery and pub street. angkor night market is like three blocks away. our trip falls on a dry, cool season (18-19deg C) on early mornings and late afternoons, while it hits 30-33deg C during mid day.

the highs during my trip was the 'temple hopping' of major landmarks: "angkor wat", "ta phrom", "bantey srei", and "bayon temple". it never ceased to amazed me how intricate the carvings were on the wall. our tourist guide, mr. somuch, told us that there were unending conflicts of religion in the old times... temples were revered and built for hindus, then later on by buddhist. so the conflicting carvings and vandalisms were evident on most of them. i was astonished how these different bricks and rocks have formed faces that have definite features. and i was astonished at the thought of being on a temple on a temple! we went up to temples
15meters high only to find more temples on top haha! and it felt like we were just on the ground.

(left) bayon temple, (right) ta phrom or tomb raider

the locals were very calm, accommodating, soft spoken and 'eager' (i'm speaking for tuktuk drivers and market vendors here). most of them would really sell their services just so they could save for the rainy season. it's not ideal to go there on monsoons, the place would be soaked in mud and floods. i was surprise that most locals we encountered were not aware of what day it was...

us to tuktuk driver: vichet, please fetch us on saturday morning, around 9am

vichet: ok ok. what day is today?

us: its thursday, so the day after tomorrow.

another one with our tourist guide, mr. somuch...

somuch: so until when are you here in cambodia?

us: til sunday morning

somuch: what day is today?

us: uuhh.. friday. so the day after tomorrow.

somehow it made us think that while they let each day pass by without minding about the day and time, while we on the other hand, are always trying to count the minutes, hours, day in a week. it was a breath of fresh air, very laid back and relaxed... while we urban creatures kept pulling for our weekends, which honestly just go by unnoticed.

major highlight was crossing out one item off my bucket list... climbing up a mountain. i'm proud to have finished that 1.5km hike up kbal spean and sunk our feet in the cool waterfall. the terrain was a bit tough and challenging... halfway, i even asked myself why am i punishing myself on my freakin' birthday hahaha! but it was truly rewarding. our day ended with a delicious dinner treat in bopha restaurant serving local delicacies followed by shopping souvenirs in the flea market. *side note: mr. somuch and our driver laughed at us because we were ordering what they call 'peasant food'! we loved amok & sam lor macheu, i bought spices back for cooking them.*

1.3km more to go! aja aja!

(left) amok & khmer style beef soup, (right) sam lor macheu & khmer prawn w/ veggies

when we visited the landmine museum, my heart felt sadness and pity for the cambodians. it was just around 1990's that they started patching themselves up after the french colonization and pol pot's reign. it's understandable why most of them would simply live by their means because they're scared to farm or fish with the fear of a landmine or bomb exploding in their midst. the initiative of landmine clearing was started by aki ra, who was chosen top 10 cnn hero for 2010.. kudos to him! they have a camp for young and old victims, teaching them how to continue living their lives normally.

overall, our trip was truly a break from the busy daily city life and parenthood. a perfect time for dadi and me to explore a new society, be with a diverse crowd, and discover life in a different perspective. the trip was insightful and i'm very glad cambodia was part of our 'to-visit' list :)

gift of a lifetime

before going back home to pinas last december, dadi handed me a gift. he said he hasn't found any christmas gift for me yet, so this is the best he came up with for the moment.. and i really appreciate it.

his words were, "mami, this is my gift of a lifetime.. i want us to read all of these together in our journey". so the beginning of our book saga. i will list down some that i have already read.

1. wuthering heights
2. don quixote *i'm adding this to my reread list*
3. harry potter series
4. his dark materials trilogy
5. memoirs of a geisha

hmm i'm still 45 books short. hopefully i can read 5 this year. these would include: pride and prejudice, life of pi, the bell jar, men without women, and on the road.

on another note, i want to share with you a site that i discovered called, manybooks. i'm so grateful and delighted to have bumped into this! they allow you to download ebooks free! and you can format them depending on your reader. so i'm getting mine in a pdf iphone format! how cool is that! :)

the eye

no this is not a horror flick. this is not a review. and this doesn't have anything to do with the probe team.

i'm talking literally about my eyes. yes, i have declared and finally admitted that it's time to put attention to it. previously, it wasn't a concern that my eyelashes were too short, and mascaras don't suffice. and i was just happy and contented with those glittery liners that doesn't require too much art and time to apply. i surrendered to the idea that there's a possible solution. even makeup artist back home doesn't really satisfy my requirements. and my eyebrows doesn't really bother me before, but now i feel that i should learn to grow them in the right direction.

recently, i took interest on other people's eyelids and i began to notice and got conscious with mine. maybe i could do something about it. initially, i inquired about eyeliners, then some friends offered their brands and fave eye items. bobbie brown gel liners, faceshop and mac. they said youtube is helpful too.

and so i will venture, and experiment on how i can produce stunning chinky eyes. it's gonna be a challenge physically, emotionally and financially. oh gawd i don't know if i should really invest on these products. i know that i have to try on some before i really find the perfect one for me. if things doesn't work with the lashes, maybe i should get extensions? haha

this is one of my projects this year. i hope i could scratch it off my list by the end of the year.

project w

its like dejavu. i had once this feeling of excitement.. the pump of adrenalin.. the euphoria of realizing a dream.

but its not really for me though, but i'm glad she's one of the closest people in my heart. my li'l sis had said 'yes'! and we're so excited! well i'm more excited so to speak.

ooohh my planner will be very colorful this year.. and again, thank god for the starbucks planner!

and oh, btw, i got my digital weighing scale na. thanks trace for the advice. one item off my list. :)

my twenty-10

I don’t have the habit of summarizing the year that was, of thoughts and events that happened. But now, I realized it’s a proper way of reflecting on what transpired, and how it could be improved and to inspire oneself to achieve more. When I became thirty-ish, I suddenly felt the need to ‘document’ things to do, and put constraints to myself in order to attain my goals.

I’m very blessed last year to have been surrounded by people who helped me grow and who offered sincere friendships, while some were rekindled. It made me go back to the real me, only to be improved and purified.

I suddenly learned to appreciate the likes of Debussy, Beethoven, Bach, Chopin, Mozart and of course Glee. I’m now reading Persuasion, and hopes to read Pride and Prejudice soon. The turning point was Wuthering Heights. It was challenging at first, but the exquisite meanings and formalities of conversations made me hang on. I finally finished reading Sophie’s World. I got it last 2004, started but never able to catch up. I told myself that this time, I won’t pressure myself into understanding everything, but to only pick up what was essential. And oh, the highlight was meeting Mitch Albom! His book, Have a Little Faith, is gonna be my yearly read.

The art of letting go is still an ongoing process for me, and the never ending questioning of Why’s is still under construction. But friends’ reminders are always handy. Acceptance is gradually penetrating little by little each day, although there would still be times of hurt and expectations. I’ll be working on that this year.

I have a planner, from Starbucks. This is gonna be my first. I got a beautiful one to inspire me to go back to my year list; so far, I have 14. By this time, next year, I hope I would be proud to have completed them all.

quick ones

reposting from my fb status, dated today:
me: whats d name of ur new teacher?
nixon: i dunno
me: do you have chinese remedial tomorrow?
nixon: i dunno
me: e what do u know???
nixon: i know nothing about it.
*kablag!!!*

this one i haven't posted yet, but is a series of 'santa claus' and 'snow' querries:
noah: mami, i want santa claus to come here on christmas
me: *looks at dadi* ok noah, i will tell him
noah: but how can u tell him, he lives in the north pole? he's very far away
me: ok, i will text him or call him
noah: can u call him now? i want to tell him i want bumblebee
me: *looks again at dadi*

i think He took the hint.

noah: i want to make a snowman
me: ahh.. we don't have snow in singapore
nixon: then why don't we go to a place where there's lots of snow?
me: hmmm.. ok i'll let your dadi know

i hope He would take the hint. seriously.

gratitude

i'm writing this entry down to remember recent moments that has made my heart overwhelmed with joy as my boys expressed their gratitude towards me. i'm so touched by their simple way of making me feel so loved and blessed to have them.

nixon's school exams went through for the past 2weeks. i helped him review, and there was this one english composition that he has to make out of 4 picture boxes. i sat by his side and guided him on how to understand the scenes and make a story out of each. after we finished, he told me, "mommy, i think i'm gonna get very good marks for this. thank you so much for helping me do this.". i feel so proud of him, he recognizes and appreciates me even in that simple words.

today, as tita juvs was off, i was inspired to make tuna pasta with white sauce. we had some giniling for lunch but noah chose to wait for my pasta. once done, we put some on his plate and he inhaled the scent of the food then exclaimed, "mmm yummy! it smells so good!". he took his first bite, and with mouth full, he said, "mommy, thank you so much for cooking a very delicious food for us! its so yummy, i like it... no, i LOVE it!". aawww, my heart was filled with love and joy! :)

of course, di naman magpapatalo ang daddy... i Like the food, i Love the cook! :D mwehehe!

i think i will proceed to get that oven... my boys wanted a cooking/baking session with me. noah & nixon already planned on a 3-tier cake. good luck to us!

jazz it up! *wink*

i'm not a big fan of goodbye's.. well, who is anyway. maybe i'm in denial, that's what you may think. but maybe i'm just a believer.. that it's not the end. that i'll come back soon or we'll meet again someday soon.

when dadi left for work here in sg, i never shed a tear. when my time came to follow and left behind nixon, i braved the airport, hugged him tight and kissed him sweetly. i had in my thoughts that i'll get him soon. when i left for the states, dadi and i didn't make a big fuss in the airport. no crying, no hugging tight on the last hour before boarding. not even a word goodbye or sweet nothings or cheesiness-es.

today, when one of the best-est person in my life left to give birth back home in ph, i acted naturally as if she has never gone. i went to work the way i used to every day of the week.. i tended to the household and the kids. yes we met midweek, only to walk with her going to tapa king and i left for the gym. how weird is that? instead of staying with her for all evening, i decided to do as planned. yesterday, friday, i didn't even think about going to her place and spending more time. i texted her, and wrote my fb status tagging her. last night, i read her message for me in fb, and my tears just rolled down unexpectedly and dadi noticed it. then we laughed and i continued to cry. now i know why roylann loves her so much.

i also know now how true of a friend she is to me. i know we'll be friends forever. i didn't think it was a big deal she went back home.. i'm confident we'll meet again and nothing will change. the few months we spent knowing each other was awesome. she believed in me, and i believe in her. she never ceases to endure my craziness, and i'm very thankful. :)

til then, my precious friend.

p.s. i think i like precious more than taba :P hahaha!

teeny bits

i've been thinking some 'things to do before forty'.. i came up with some which i hope would happen.

- learn to swim and skate (ice or rollers) *oo na, sounds loserish but i should learn!*
- have a baby girl *if god permits.. i'm envious of those being able to dress up their princesses*
- have my own cooking over (the real thing) and bake a cake
- lose 10kg *don't mock me for needing to invest 9yrs to achieve it*
- get myself an LV or gucci *like i said in point4, don't mock me.. haha!*
- read one of shakespear's novels *any suggestions?*

rekindling family

my manila vacation was not planned. i'm not sure if i should really thank the recent ondoy for giving us an excuse to go back home. but anyway, all i can say is, its awesome. i never felt like i was the child again, the daughter again, the sister again, the friend again.

i thought it would be a very busy vacation... scavenger hunting for stuffs to go in to our new home. but fortunately, things were pretty much settled on the 2nd day. we bought sala set & dining set, cooking ware and some groceries. giving is really a very rewarding experience especially to your family. i was happy to see my mom glowing while looking at her new orange & black sala set. and i gave in to my father's request, a tv/radio rack that he really liked which was perfect for our mini sala. i was touched seeing them put things together and excited to make the house cozy and warm. my bro and sisses were so thrilled for the stuffs we got them. yeah, it's really been a long time since i've been with my parents and siblings.

bonding with long time friends was the best. i've never been so happy being with real people and friends who truly care and were genuinely happy to see and hear from you. who, after all these years, remained in touch. jeng & peachie, made me feel young again, like back when we were in highschool and giggle a lot. seeing peter, bien & allan was also invigorating. i've missed these people.

after being in sg for 5years, i suddenly missed being around my family everyday. i know sometimes its unbearable, but its also assuring to be with the real people who love and care about you. its being around people who you can really talk to, that's what i truly missed. i don't know, maybe i just got tired being the adult, that i missed being the child.

i'm very thankful i got this break. and i was definitely happy seeing the smiles on my kids' faces when they saw me back home. =)

fail forward

i would like to re-post this email sent to me... its a constant reminder that i shouldn't hate myself for making bad decisions and being with d wrongs. thanks ice! :)

_________________________________

When You Fail, Fail Forward (by John Maxwell)

Then he began to curse and swear, saying, "I do not know the Man!" Immediately a rooster crowed. And Peter remembered the word of Jesus who had said to him, "Before the rooster crows, you will deny Me three times." So he went out and wept bitterly. Matthew 26:74-75

Everybody fails, errs, and makes mistakes. You've heard the saying "To err is human, to forgive, divine." Alexander Pope wrote that over 250 years ago. And he was only paraphrasing an ancient saying that was common during the time of the Romans. Recently I came across something called "Rules for Being Human." I think several of these describe well the state we're in:

Rule #1: You will learn lessons.
Rule #2: There are no mistakes - only lessons.
Rule #3: A lesson is repeated until it is learned.
Rule #4: If you don't learn the easy lessons, they get harder.
Rule #5: You'll know you've learned a lesson when your actions change.

You see, writer Norman Cousins was right when he said, "The essence of man is imperfection." Failure is simply a price we pay to achieve success. If we learn to embrace that new definition of failure, then we are free to start moving ahead - and failing forward.

ber months are back!

...and oh, i just remembered... today, the countdown officially starts! yiippee!!! 115days til christmas!!! love love love the holiday season.

♫ its beginning to look a lot like christmas.. everywhere you go *except sg LOL* ♫

getting the hang of it

there would be times when i miss most things... of how fun it used to be and how everyone is so connected. but nowadays, due to work schedule and family bonding related matters, we're getting used to the idea of being with the boys most of the times.

right now, there are so many things happening around our family that keeps us busy. nixon is making so much progress in school, although we still keep watch on his english going towards singlish. he's making new friends and is now having crushes *blush blush si kuya*. noah on the other hand is so tabachingching hahaha! the thought of going home to hug him is enough to send me flying out of the office haha! when i do get home, i'm rewarded with hugs and kisses and a very heartwarming, "mommy i miss you so much"-greeting. dadi also makes effort these days to come home early and go out with the kids every weekends.

i found my sanctuary... i'm so blessed to have them in my life.

to him

its raining so hard outside... blessings are pouring on your special day. we pray to god that you may have more love to give and more life to share. may you have the strength and courage to be the best that you can be. may all your dreams come true.

happy birthday daddy nino!!! from all of us, who loves you so dearly.

a reminder

i received a message from facebook, from 'God wants you to know' application. the message goes...

On this day of your life, Aslee, we believe God wants you to know...
... that happiness has nothing to do with pleasure.

You feel pleasure when you want something and you get it. Or when you don't want something and you remove it. Pleasure is always relative. Happiness is absolute. Happiness is the understanding and acceptance of life as it is in this very moment as completely perfect, because every creation of God is perfect. The degree to which you do not accept life in all of the Divine forms is the degree to which you suffer.


the part, 'Happiness is absolute. Happiness is the understanding and acceptance of life as it is in this very moment as completely perfect, because every creation of God is perfect.' struck me the most. i guess that after feeling so exhausted and unhappy with my current work, i succomb to worldly things like pretty jewelries, fancy food, etc. and this reminder made me stop and realize that i should focus on the positives and blessings coming in right now. maybe i'm beginning to lose faith on that belief that everything will get better in time.

i should learn to manage my time and energy so i can reserve some for bonding moments with my kids. and i don't really need to tire myself of endless issues that have no significance in our lives right now. so, now i'm blogging again hehe! :D

little big ones

on a regular saturday lunch together at home, here's one funny conversation we had with the kids.

dadi : so nixon, what do you want to be when you grow up?

nixon : i want to be a... starts with the letter 'A' *here we go again with the famous guessing game*

dadi : astronaut?

mami : aeronaut?

nixon : followed by letter 'R'

dadi : argonaut?

nixon : no! an Artist!

*dadi and i exchanged glances with a smirk(?) on the face*

dadi : why do you want to be an artist?

nixon : so i can have my own collection to sell for the kids.

i think what he meant to say is, he's going to have a fundraiser for the kids by selling his collections. he got it from watching higglytown heroes, and the guilty character is yubi.

dadi : how about you noah, what do you want to be when you grow up?

noah : i want to be a daddy! *ayun, i think i'm gonna faint!*

dadi : *grins* why?

noah : because i want to be like you daddy!

OMG!!! na-speakless ako! Alert alert!!!

shapes

the thought has never occurred to me... that this moment, this instance will happen in my life. an instance when i have to make a decision to stop the line. i'm not ready, i'm not sure what will happen, i don't know if i'll ever be brave enough to mean it, to make it happen. but i have to...

it came to a point that drawing the line to fulfill the circle will have to come to an end. when it has arrived at a corner where continuing the line is painful already and creates agony, the only thing to do is cut it.

maybe its time to draw another line, in a separate sheet... in a pleasant stationary, where new circles can be drawn again. new and colorful ones that will erase entirely the hurt and regrets.

hugging the rock

*this book was given to me by dadi rak... he was very fond of it. he was all smiles when he handed it over to me. these are the lines from the 1st page...*

No Room
When my mom decides to run away from home
she packs up her car
with all the things that matter most
to her.

Her guitar
and some books
all her CDs
her clothes
her shoes
Grandma's music box from the fireplace mantle
and the quilt from the bed she shares with Dad.

She jams plastic grocery bags
filled with soap and shampoo
between the small spaces
left in between things
and tied a couple of suitcases to the roof.
At the last minute she
throws in a few dishes
some towels
and a potted red geranium
that guards the front porch.

Dad tells her not to pack stuffs too high
so she can still see out the back window
but she ignores him
and shoves her pillow
between her guitar case and portable TV.

By the time she's done
there's no room left for anything else.
No room left for Dad.

And no room left for me.

kid's humor

last saturday, we were on our way to mareng hani's baby shower. then we saw nixon and noah's friends in the playground.

noah: mami, who's that? *pointing to a thin girl w/ protruding teeth and ponytails*
me: your friend! *pardon me, i don't know their names*
noah: no mami! its chicken little!

then i looked back at the little girl... it made me think, then i suddenly realize why.

he was referring to abby mallard.. nyahahah! my son is a bully at 3, tsk tsk! *alert alert!*

noah is growing too fast physically, right now he's weighing 23kg! he won't fit into the regular XL, XXL diapers (12-18kg)... so we were left with no option, we got the XXXL (18-25kg). imagine, 14pieces costing 21SGD! omgulay! hay we were thinking of getting him adult diapers instead, what do u think? :D

on another note, i'm admiring nixon's development lately. i know we haven't been around much lately becoz dadi and i are swamped with work. but nixon was able to handle his holiday homeworks on his own. he's now into reading books like oliver twist, gulliver's travel and peter pan. i hired him a tutor for his mandarin, so he can have someone to converse with in a regular basis. he's enjoying it, and he can understand his tutor even when she's communicating with him in pure mandarin. he also refers to the chinese-english dictionary on his own. one night i sat with him to teach him how to search for the words that he's looking for, and he was very interested. the following day, i saw him doing his assignment using it.

toughing the toughs

there will really be times that you will encounter a boss/superior that would persistently annoy you or compete with you. its just sad that while you want to give him/her as much respect as you want, it just wouldn't suffice because he/she makes you feel incompetent and a moron. sometimes you want to give him/her the benefit of the doubt, but more often, he competes with you and goes on power trips. sometimes he/she just wouldn't take responsibility and throws you in with the sharks. i just don't understand why bosses wouldn't talk to other bosses (yours versus your user or client).

sigh... anyway, need to go back to work.

farewell, lei

*from left to right: bernice, lei, adel, me and dini*

i realized that i don't post entries with pictures lately, so i was contemplating on which story i could post... i never thought and expected that this would be it...

she was lei to others, lani to some, lakambini to all of us. leilani zabella never fails to make us smile with her simple quirks and her happy disposition is infectious.

she was tall, morena, has long shiny hair and a bright smile. she belonged to another section, but we instantly clicked when we first met as freshmen from siena qc. she's so down to earth... even if she belongs to the upper class, she won't mind having an average person as a friend. our birthdays are 2 days apart, it usually falls on our school fair during which we would pay the announcement booth to greet each other on air.

after high school, we drifted apart... i never heard much from her until we were graduating in college. thanks to friendster, we got connected once again. and from there, we got back to our yearly tradition of greeting each other on our birthdays. and when we got a chance last september to see each other in LA, we were both thrilled. we joined the other girls for dinner and were able to catch up.

today, my friend hya informed me that lei is gone... it didn't sink in because i was busy at work. during lunch time i went back to our photos in multiply. and i can't help but feel the loss so deep in my heart. she has so many dreams, she has so many things to accomplish, she has yet to get wed. she was 30years old... i love you lei. you will definitely be missed.

*life is so short... shorter for others. that's why we should cherish life and love. we should try our hardest to express our love towards people who matter in our lives.*

i have conquered

last night i was sleepless. i'm both excited and agitated. it's the first time i'm joining a marathon, and dadi was suppose to join me. but becoz he has to work, i would have to be strong on my own.

this morning at 7:20am, i joined the 10km singapore passion run (competitive). i felt sad being alone amidst all those who were anticipating the start of the race. when the horn sounded, everyone started running... i went from brisk walking to jogging on my own pace. i told myself that i won't be pressured by those people passing by. as isa put it, just chill.. don't rush, no pressure, enjoy it.

by 4km, i was beginning to feel exhausted and i was blaming dadi for convincing me to signup for the 10km, when i could've been going back already if i had registered to the 5km. there was a fork ahead, and i was thinking if i should go back and quit or if i should push myself to try some more. the latter won. after reaching 7km, i checked my timer and found out that i have been jogging *and walking* for 1hour and 7minutes already. the blazing sun made me jog and walk faster.

at 8km, i started to get worried. i thought i may have missed the path where i'm supposed to go round back. and then i saw the mark and felt relieved. finally, i will be on the other side of the road, the path to the finish line.. hoooraayy!!! i was aiming for 2hours to finish the whole stretch... i did it in 1hour and 48minutes. :)

spontaneous thoughts

i'm writing this blog entry while plotting our menu for the week and listing down my grocery list while telling nixon to finish his lunch, while asking noah to sit still and watch tv and stop throwing things to his brother. o diba multitasking haha!

creating a 'diverse' menu for the week is a real challenge for me. it always has to have at least 2-3 kinds of veggie dishes and 2 varieties of soup dishes. fish once a week is also a must have. this requirement is for the kids. they enjoy veggies and fishes more than pork or beef. its because of the 'chewable properties' of veggies over meat. except for the case of adobo which is their favorite that i happily indulge them with chicken and pork. our dear noahby loves chicken a lot. however, chicken is to be avoided in a day that dadi will eat in or bring his baon to work. we both abstain from chicken because we get allergies.

so now i should get back to my grocery list and multitask again afterwards (ie. pay bills, go over nixon's homework, put noah to nap, blog *hihi*). the joys and pains of motherhood. don't get me wrong, i'm not complaining.. in fact, i'm enjoying myself a lot.

breather

i'm so relieved to be informed that my irritating pm is on leave from today until thursday then i'm on leave on friday for nixon's parent-teacher meeting. whew! it's like having a room for one week to breathe! yiippppeeee!!!

i'm so looking forward also to another 'toy'... hopefully, we can be united by end of this month :D

happy face

it feels so nice to be able to wake up early again, like the normal average working person does almost 5days a week. and yesterday morning (saturday 9am), i was able to walk in the nearby mcdonalds and buy myself a big breakfast with rak *yiippeee!!!*. it's been a while since i last had that sausage mcmuffin with egg and coffee. :)

today, rak and i watched star trek. beam me up scottie! it was awesome! no dull moments, even if i'm not really a follower. great acting sylar *haha!*.

scripted

this is my first vent for my current workload.

my team mate is on sick leave, an IR was raised this morning. i tried to know what happened, and realized it was my team mate's load. i asked for assistance from my pm, he blurted out all nonsense saying why you don't know this, the change is so simple blah blah blah. i told him, i'm not aware of the issue's history, i don't have the specs. i can't access lotus notes as i don't have my login id yet. so he told me what to do, and i did and he forwarded the email addresses of people to cc. so i did.

he then commented that i shouldn't write this way and that in the resolution/root cause part. he told me to apologize and he composed a sentence to write down instead. then the changes he asked me to do in the program was incomplete, we received another email. he asked me to apologize again for putting in the incorrect version.

wtf!? why can't he just take over the issue and answer those emails? how can i reply correctly and how can i defend myself when i don't even know the story. this pm of mine is trying to discredit my knowledge and likes to pass responsibilities when he should be the one in charge. *wwwuuuuuusssssaaaaaaaaaahhhh!*

pronounciation

tagalog version muna tong blog ko para iwas gulo. mabuti ng nasa safe mode muna ang usaping ito.

lagi kong tinitingnan ang homework ni nixon pagkauwi ko sa bahay pagtapos ng opisina. inaalam ko kung tama mga sagot, at tinitingnan ko rin ang mga result ng quiz nya kung meron man. kanina pinapirmahan nya sa kin ang spelling notebook nya. eto ang pangungusap na nakasulat: The people wear afraid of the scary monster. (minsan sentence ang spelling nila, binibigkas ng guro ang pangungusap tapos isusulat nila.)

tinanong ko si nixon bakit ganun spelling nya samantalang alam naman nya na ang dapat na isinulat nya ay 'were' imbes na 'wear'. tinanong ko sya kung alam nya ibig sabihin ng 'wear', oo daw, pagsuot ng damit. sabi ko, o eh bakit eto sinulat mo eh alam mo naman di bagay dun sa pangungusap? ang sagot nya sa akin, mommy ang pagkakabigkas nya ay wear, hinde were kya un ang sinulat ko. paliwanag ko, anak, iba kasi magbigkas ng english ang mga tao dito kaya wag mo susundin palagi. alam mo naman ung tama, kaya un ang sundin mo. ang follow-up question nya, edi hinde pala laging tama ang mga guro?

haysusmaryosep! kasi naman, kakaiba magpronounce ng english mga tao dito. pano nga ba?

yesterday's mini conversation

her: if i have stayed, we could all be there by now.

him: yeah, your right. lets try to do it again, this time i promise, no more stunts.

her: yeah right. as if you could make me believe you at this point in time. you have to earn it back.

him: i'm sorry.

mixed nuts

righting a mistake, makes the i'm sorry a redemption.

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losing it, gaining it.. lost it for another... i hope it's all worth it for you.

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torn. the good... internet is up. facebook, gmail and yahoo mail can be accessed *yay!*. the bad... work from home, prod support, 24/7, chengdu china team members *ulk!*.

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wolverine... star trek... angels and demons... revolutionary road... oh man! this is so tough to have for a marathon. *crosses fingers and toes*

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oh! i almost forgot, it's mothers day this coming sunday. Happy mom's day to all you mothers out there! love u mader dear! :)

unfamiliar grounds

i'm accustomed to taking risks and facing difficulties and fears. i have this strong conviction of myself, that whatever decision i make, i will be responsible for the consequences. during my grade school days, i had a big crush on this high school guy. one day i just decided to tell him that i like him and i admire his volleyball skills. that day, i knew that i'm that kind of person who would not just keep quiet and wait for things to unfold on its own. before i graduated high school, i had the audacity to tell my history teacher that i like him a lot. when i was a freshman in college, i greatly admired my trigonometry professor. i gave him a parker pen.. i had a feeling he knew my reasons. and when i was already working, i was bold enough to tell my then-best-friend-now-husband, that i was in love with him.

gone were the days when i would sit still and shy away from arguments and confrontations... i was always ready to give my opinions, sometimes, even without tact. not until recently, when a very traumatic experience made a head-on collision with my life, our lives. my whole being was itching to confront the devil and let all my grief, anger and pain burst out. but for the first time, i kept my distance and didn't bother to get any answers or to explain myself. i just stopped and burried myself in my cave. i focused all my energy on my kids and to reading. it became my zen.

it was tough, almost all the time i would cry. i felt so alone, but i was very thankful to those who would drop a message or two asking how my day was and how i am coping. my family oftentimes call and text me encouraging words. some came to visit, and i'm thankful to be blessed with friendly souls. it was a surprise to know that those who you don't often see were the first ones to sympathize. again, i'm forever grateful. :)

nothing much, really

one's patience is really tested to its fullest by your growing children and ageing parents. if you muster the art of diplomatic conversation, then i salute you. =)

on another note, i'm glad and happy to say that i'm back on track. side trips were inevitable, you just have to know how to go around the obstacles. i just want to let my detractors know that you will never break me because i keep my faith intact and i'm focused to fight for my kids' happiness, whatever it takes. you haven't seen the real me, i have dealt with you in a subtle manner. if i were such a b*tch, you would've hidden your face in shame. i could've done worse, but my delikadesa and good manners kept me in the distance. i'm a mother and wife, it's my duty and place to protect my family. stop with your nonsense reasoning, you're in the wrong.

i'm now ready to break the silence. i'm no longer afraid to hold back my feelings or thoughts. i have surpassed my darkest hour, and i'm ready.. because i have braved the odds and i will never back down. there's always a blessing in disguise hiding somewhere after the storm. you just have to tough it out. *wink.. prang showbiz hehehe*

funnies by the boys

last week, my nanny told me that nixon has a crush on a girl that he usually sees at the playground. her name is yenli *i'm not sure how to spell her name*. tita juvs *my nanny* even told me that they have this song to tease nixon... it goes like this, "my heart goes shalalalala, bog bog bog!". i guess most of you know this song. even noah would sing this to nixon whenever yenli is around and would put his two hands on his chest and impersonate a heart pumping action together with the song followed by a big laugh! makapang-asar lang kay kuya hahaha!

then tita juvs saw this pencil case with crayons in nixon's schoolbag that doesn't look like his. she asked him whose pencil case was it, and nixon answered its sabrina's *and then he blushed and made a timid smile*. tita juvs teased him who sabrina was and nixon said he likes her.

i confronted my son *panic mode na si mommy*..

me: nixon, who is yenli and sabrina?? do you like them??

nixon: no mommy! i'm not allowed to have a girlfriend because i'm not yet 21!

*and there i was, trying to phrase my question lightly so as not to make an impression and i was dumbfounded by his adult-like answer!*


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on another note about noah... we went to mcdonalds to buy some happy meal for the boys. when we got home, noah started feasting on the french fries and requested for catsup. we squeezed some on a small plate. after finishing the fries, there was still some catsup left. he put the plate down on the floor and dipped his face on it and started licking the catsup! then he said, "meow!!!". AYOS!!! we were laughing so hard hahaha!

the -days

yesterday... he asked me to join him for dinner.

today... while in giant grocery(vivo city) with the kids, he searched for my favorite coconut biscuits which is hard to find here in sg. he got me two packs of the biscuit.

i'm sincerely touched.

facebook <-- feedbacks please

i'm contemplating on having a facebook account. i received 5 invites already, and i'm not yet sure if i'm ready to be 'socially connected'. since i don't have any more friendster account, maybe part of moving on is upgrading your 'stuffs'. i'm still keeping my multiply and blogspot account, though.

ok ba ang facebook compared to friendster? some people told me that security is an issue with facebook. friendster naman, 10years before loading the page.

touching valentine letter from kobe

valentine's day hasn't been a very 'celebrated' event in our family. we just normally greet each other and get on with our everyday lives. my sister berna told me the other day that our little sister, kobe, made a valentine's card for our family. she placed it on the ref door back home. berna sent me the message via chat. here was the message:

to my beloved family
mama papa kuya jason ate grace hapi valentines day noah and nixon

thanks jesus for valentines day

dear family, i love you all bcoz wen i was a kid you care for me even mama even i lie i will still love you and papa you done to so much

kuya even you always tease me i will love you in my heart ate berna thank you for teaching me all

ate grace you always make me happy all the time
*this next line is for me...*
achie you gave me nephews and that was the greatest gift to me nixon and noah
*awwww! i'm so touched!*

thank you all from your beloved child kobe

btw, she's only 8years old, turning 9 this year. =)

dialogues

aslee: don't worry, i'm getting there

obie: *sigh of relief* i'm there

grace: *puzzled* never there!

nyahahaha!

no title

the best thing upon hitting 30 is you stop ageing. that's right, you just stop counting and age is just a number.

i was off the radar for a while *i know... deleting my friendster account that i kept for 5years is kinda huge in terms of being off the radar.* i just had the notion of keeping to myself and thinking about stuffs. its not that i wanna lose contact with my friends, in fact i was keeping an inventory haha! maybe that's the paranoia you get when betrayal sets foot. enough said on the negatives... i'm pretty happy right now and in the process of moving on. i'm pretty sure though that i don't wanna care about those people who made my life difficult for the past errr 3months or so.

anyway, i just wanna thank those people who kept wishing me well and were supportive of me and my kids. having someone to be consistently there is a gift so i'm really grateful that those kind of persons exist.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that, i'm now ok. i found peace when i stopped fixing things and get on with my life. i have no regrets coming back home to my kids and leaving behind a step closer to my dreams. i know that if its meant to be, then i'll have a 2nd chance to my real path of existence. the knowledge that i tried, is enough for me to realize what i have and what i can't have. at least i tried, thats more important.

i'm sorry if i may sound vague for some but later on, i may be able to enlighten you when i'm stronger to come forward and let it out. but for now, these are all i can share to you. =)

proud momma

my eldest son, nixon, started primary1 (grade1 in pinas school term) last jan. 2 at first toa payoh primary school. we were with him on his 1st day and i saw his excitement and anticipation of how things will be different from his kindergarten. he was one of the tallest kid in class. we left after an hour and waited for him at home. upon arrival, he told me that they had a buddy system where they partnered with primary5 kids. his buddy was telling him to eat faster during recess.. haha!

after 2weeks, parents of primary1's were summoned for a brief discussion of school policies and introduction of the teachers. i spoke to nixon's homeroom teacher, she told me that he's one of the brightest pupils she have, except that he's mischievous at times. *hmm, he should stop watching tom and jerry*. she said he was kinda shy at times, pretending not to hear when the teacher asks for volunteers. he's lacking some kind of leadership, she adds. i just told her that its ok for her to assign tasks for him, he normally does well with responsibility.

the following week, i learned that he was made PE monitor of their class. the week after, he was the library monitor in their classroom, and he was very proud telling me the news. he does his homework well and i was so happy to see that on his first unit test, he got a perfect score of 20/20! and somehow, i can see that he can follow on his chinese class also. its really a relief to know that he's adjusting pretty good in school. our only hurdle is waking up early for his school. its a struggle, but i know he'll get used to it after a while. =)

pondering, choosing lesser evil

sometimes, when it's over, you would still cling on to that little hope. i think its alright but you must have the courage to move on and condition yourself that your situation is different now. and its better that you look at the reality rather than fantasize on what could be if you got back together. i got this advice from a friend, and i believe it makes sense... its better to be empty rather than be in pain.

you may have a different view, you might rather choose to be in pain because it gives you the ability to feel and that its more human. but i guess in my case, i had enough of too much feeling and emotions and the best way to go right now is to rest. it doesn't mean i'm giving up with happiness, its just a phase one has to go through to reflect on things and realize your achievements, strengths and weaknesses. i suggest you let it happen in your life, to have a moment of silence and contemplate what has transpired. this way you don't focus on the negatives, but on the happy memories and the lessons you obtained.

i'm now counting the days to my big 3-0 and much has happened, good and bad. i'm now halfway of my entire life, and wasting it on bad memories and sulking is not a good idea. i choose to be strong and happy... i'm gonna move on with my head up high because i know i did my best for the past 30years.