into deep

right now, i'm in my cave, trying to calm down and compose myself. at this moment, at this instant, i really really wish i was there... that we are there. that this shouldn't be happening if we were there. i really wanna be there so badly, i'm crying and hurting inside so bad. i'm pushing away all thoughts of regrets, frustrations, anger and blame. why, why does it have to be so hard? why can't it happen?

farewell, lei

*from left to right: bernice, lei, adel, me and dini*

i realized that i don't post entries with pictures lately, so i was contemplating on which story i could post... i never thought and expected that this would be it...

she was lei to others, lani to some, lakambini to all of us. leilani zabella never fails to make us smile with her simple quirks and her happy disposition is infectious.

she was tall, morena, has long shiny hair and a bright smile. she belonged to another section, but we instantly clicked when we first met as freshmen from siena qc. she's so down to earth... even if she belongs to the upper class, she won't mind having an average person as a friend. our birthdays are 2 days apart, it usually falls on our school fair during which we would pay the announcement booth to greet each other on air.

after high school, we drifted apart... i never heard much from her until we were graduating in college. thanks to friendster, we got connected once again. and from there, we got back to our yearly tradition of greeting each other on our birthdays. and when we got a chance last september to see each other in LA, we were both thrilled. we joined the other girls for dinner and were able to catch up.

today, my friend hya informed me that lei is gone... it didn't sink in because i was busy at work. during lunch time i went back to our photos in multiply. and i can't help but feel the loss so deep in my heart. she has so many dreams, she has so many things to accomplish, she has yet to get wed. she was 30years old... i love you lei. you will definitely be missed.

*life is so short... shorter for others. that's why we should cherish life and love. we should try our hardest to express our love towards people who matter in our lives.*

unfamiliar grounds

i'm accustomed to taking risks and facing difficulties and fears. i have this strong conviction of myself, that whatever decision i make, i will be responsible for the consequences. during my grade school days, i had a big crush on this high school guy. one day i just decided to tell him that i like him and i admire his volleyball skills. that day, i knew that i'm that kind of person who would not just keep quiet and wait for things to unfold on its own. before i graduated high school, i had the audacity to tell my history teacher that i like him a lot. when i was a freshman in college, i greatly admired my trigonometry professor. i gave him a parker pen.. i had a feeling he knew my reasons. and when i was already working, i was bold enough to tell my then-best-friend-now-husband, that i was in love with him.

gone were the days when i would sit still and shy away from arguments and confrontations... i was always ready to give my opinions, sometimes, even without tact. not until recently, when a very traumatic experience made a head-on collision with my life, our lives. my whole being was itching to confront the devil and let all my grief, anger and pain burst out. but for the first time, i kept my distance and didn't bother to get any answers or to explain myself. i just stopped and burried myself in my cave. i focused all my energy on my kids and to reading. it became my zen.

it was tough, almost all the time i would cry. i felt so alone, but i was very thankful to those who would drop a message or two asking how my day was and how i am coping. my family oftentimes call and text me encouraging words. some came to visit, and i'm thankful to be blessed with friendly souls. it was a surprise to know that those who you don't often see were the first ones to sympathize. again, i'm forever grateful. :)

sadyang ganoon

minsan, kahit gaano kalabis mong ipakita sa taong mahal mo na iniibig mo sya, sadyang di ka nya nakikita.

minsan, kahit gaano kaalab ang iyong pag-irog sa kanya, sadyang di nya maramdaman ang kapurihan ng iyong pagsinta.

minsan, kahit gaano kahigpit ang iyong yakap sa kanya upang ipadama ang init ng iyong pagmaliw, sadyang kumakawala sya sa iyong mga bisig.

minsan, kahit gaano mo sya gustong punuin ng iyong pag-aaruga at proteksyon, sadyang pilit pa din syang lalayag at papalaot sa piling ng iba.

minsan, kahit gaano kasakit sa iyong damdamin na makita syang masaya sa piling ng kanyang sinisinta, sadyang kailangang tanggapin na kahit kailan di sya para sa iyo.

minsan, kahit gaano kaganda at kadalisay ang iyong intensyong mapaligaya sya, palalayain mo sya kahit lumuluha ang iyong puso.

sadyang ganoon talaga.. mas mahalaga ang pagmamahal nya sa iniibig nya kaysa sa pag-ibig na nilalaan mo para sa kanya.

bright leaves.. windy wind

as i am looking outside the window inside my room, i saw that the leaves are falling from the trees and they look pretty. it's so colorful. and the wind outside is humming its way to fall season. i think the weather helps to dampen your emotions or lift them up in such a way that it clouds your judgement and perspective. i'm trying my best to stay focus and be in the game. it should happen, if not sooner, then later. i just have to breathe and think about the nice colors of the leaves, the brighter side of the humming wind and cool breeze. this is just a phase, to renew, discover and learn. maybe it won't turn out the way i expected, but at least i enjoyed the ride and realized something new. i need to prioritize myself sometimes, and be kinder to my own self. i deserve a chance to be happy and discover who i really am.

i guess i would not be receiving that email after all... *what was i thinking*

kainiz experience sa manila

one of my reasons kaya ako umuwi sa manila ay para mapalitan ang surname ni nixon. iniisip ko na sana payagan nila ko kahit ako lang maglakad ng papers. di naman kasi kabisado ng information kung tinatanong ko over the fone ung mga dapat gawin so might as well go there personally para malaman ko. i called the manila city hall to verify if they're going to get the original copies of the birth certificate and marriage license. oo daw kailangan nila kunin para may sarili din silang copy kaya nung wednesday mismo ng hapon, nagpunta kami sa NSO quezon ave. dati dun lang pupunta kung gusto mo lang magrequest ng copy. aba pagdating namin dun, wala na at kailangan na kami pumunta sa east ave branch. pagdating namin dun, buti na lang walang masyadong tao pero kakaiba talaga pila system sa atin. the following day ng 11am pa marerelease ung mga papers so iniba ko sked ko. sa umaga na lang ako pumunta sa dentist para sa hapon, pagkakuha nung papers, direcho na kami sa manila city hall.

sa manila city hall nagsimula kalbaryo ko. syempre may pila at pagkatapos ko naghintay ng 30minutes, sinabi sa kin ng legal assistant na dapat daw local copy ng birth certificate ung ipapasa, di daw ung authenticated copy. aba nagulat ako dahil ultimately, pinaka legal ang authenticated copy dahil galing pa to ng NSO at ginagamit pag kukuha ka ng passport. ayaw nila, kailangan daw talaga un local copy na nirerelease pagkapanganak ng bata na binibigay sa ospital. di ko nadala un kaya sabi ng ale, kuha na lang daw ako muna dun. kinabukasan ng umaga pwede na daw makuha at balik ako sa kanya. sinabi ko ung case ko na ako lang magisa andun para magasikaso pero unahin ko daw muna pagkuha nung birth cert, tsaka na lang un susunod.

the following day, friday, nakuha na namin ng umaga un birth cert. buti maikli pila kaya sandali lang ako naghintay. pagdating dun ulit sa legal assistant sabi nya schedule for interview daw kami mag-asawa. sabi ko nga sa kanya kahapon na ako lang mag-isa. ayun di daw pwede. araykupu! akala ko naman ok na, biglang kailangan pa daw ng affidavit of legitimacy from phil. embassy sg tapos papa-authenticate sa DFA sa pinas bago ipapasa ulit sa kanila. manang naman! sana sinabi mo na lang sa kin kahapon para di na lng ako nagbayad ulit para kumuha nung local copy at di nasayang oras namin bumalik dun kundi din naman pala maaayos. haaaayyyyy!!! gobyerno nga naman talaga naten! pano ba tayo aasenso nyan!? pambihira!